Merry Christmas





Labour of Love

It's 2 o'clock in the morning, I've been up since 4 in the afternoon, on my feet since 730 in the evening aside from a brief hour spent charting at midnight. I'm tired, I don't want to be bothered, I just want the rest of the shift to sail smoothly with no problems. I'm waiting for that magical hour: 715: end of shift. Then a brief sleep and I'm up to enjoy my life again, pick out a Christmas tree, go out for dinner with colleagues, curl up in my fuzzy pajamas at a normal hour of sleep with my crocheting and a favourite movie, or maybe snuggled up with my favourite blanket, a flashlight and an old book. ...

And the call bell rings... and its about the 50 millionth time that night... and its one of my patients ... and its one of the patients I had settled not too long ago.... and the irritation starts to rise in my thoughts like bile, the complaints, the murmurings... What does he want now? Can't I have a moment's rest? It's 2 AM, why isn't he sleeping? But I go over and pick up the receiver, 'Can I help you?'
'Can I have the nurse come?'
I modulate my voice so it is gentle, not irritated and ask 'Can she bring you anything?'
'No, I just need the nurse'
I feel the frustration rise a little bit more. I know that I'll get down to that room and he'll ask me to go and get something. Why can't he just tell me what he wants and then he gets it quicker and I can get back to my chair quicker and just sit. These grumbling thoughts fill my heart and mind as I move down the hall to his room.
'Nurse, I'm hot' ....
'(And?!) ... would you like a ice pack made up?'
'Sure, or a wet cloth maybe. Also, I'm having difficulty breathing, and I can't sleep.'
I've given him his sleeping pill about 2 hrs ago and we just gave his puffers less than 1/2 an hr ago. And he's already on oxygen. What more can I do????
'Well, let's try repositioning you so that you are able to sit up better, give your lungs some more room to expand'. He is lying kinda askew in the bed. I reposition him in the bed, tough because he is a big man, easily 200lbs, but he tries to help; I return with an ice pack and a cloth rinsed in cool water.

He thanks me as I leave the room 'you're such a sweetheart' and I cringe inside because I know I'm not, I know I'm annoyed at having to be here, and annoyed that I can't do anything to fix his problems and help him sleep and breathe easily, and annoyed that I have failed again to 'be merciful as my Father in Heaven is merciful'

I return to the nursing station just in time for the call bell to start ringing again. I look at the screen and this time I don't bother to pick up the receiver and ask, this lady is in with an infectious diarrhea, in the last 7 hrs of being on duty I've changed and cleaned her up 7 times. My heart goes out to her, but that doesn't stop the frustration from surfacing yet again.

And then God speaks to me. I can't describe it in any other way. He has spoken His peace directly into my heart. He sends me lyrics of a song I haven't listened to in years. Not quite all at once, but gently a few words at a time, maybe not quite the right words I can't remember, but the words I need at this moment...

With all life's frustrations I need you and I know I do
'Cause the only real peace that I have dear Lord is in You.

Oh God have mercy on me, even tho I have failed to have mercy, even though I have failed to cheerfully serve Your child who was sick. Help me to do better next time. Pour Your love into me so that my words, my voice, my actions, and especially my attitude, my heart is gentle and compassionate, overflowing with your overflowing love. You are love. Change me to be like You. Change me to be love.

And a phrase of a verse dances through my mind 'your labour of love'

And suddenly I understand with unquestionable, unmistakable, distinct clarity exactly what this phrase means. Your labour of love.

Its work. Its hard work. Its demanding, wearying. It can be irksome and burdensome. Its labour. Being love doesn't simply means being nice, its way more than that. Its not just that I serve people, though that's closer, but I can serve from a bitter, hate filled heart. Its not just that I show love or act in a compassionate way, it doesn't matter if I am gentle and self controlled. If there is not love, abundant, ocerflowing, cheeful love in my heart I have failed to 'be love', to 'be like God'. Loving people around me requires doing not just the nice, easy things that come at little cost to myself, it requires responding only in joyful, laughing, self forgetful adandon to the needs of others even when I don't want to do so, even  when it will hurt, even when its 2 AM and I am miserable and exhausted. Labouring in love starts from a heart that is filled with God's love, it requires an attitude of cheerful giving, it responds in sincere joy and rejoices in the opportunity to serve another in their need. Labouring in love is doing the monotonous daily things of life not just without murmuring and complaining, but with joy and rejoicing. Its not just the things I do, its the attitude with which I do them.

Its so hard too write these words. I have failed here so many times. And there is no guarrentee that I will be successful next time, that I will respond in love. Its such a high standard and its so much easier to grumble than to respond in love. But bit by bit God, in love, is labouring in me and one will 'present me [finally] spotless before the throne of His glory with exceeding joy'. In the meantime, 'may the love of Christ control me'



 The love of Christ contrains us... And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again. 2 Corinthians 5:14a,15

Language Lessons

Nidi nakweseki kudiza idimi dawalunda. Chakala mwani!

do you remember all those years of french lessons? Or maybe you didn't have any- I did... I was one of those crazy ones who took french all the way through high school in the hopes of maybe being able to actually learn another language

I remember learning colours and numbers- those were easy

Nouns and names - a little more difficult

Verbs and tenses- HORRENDOUS!

I can tell you three tenses in english- past, present and future. I may use the other ones, but I couldn't identify them- and now you want  me  to identify the tense and congugate the verb to answer in the correct tense and with the right pronoun and the right suffix for the verb based on the pronoun???
I loved my high school french classes, we had lots of fun and had to really cool teachers, but I didn't learn anything... nothing!

And now I'm starting out (or rather picking up again) another language adventure

I am trying to learn the language of the Lunda people. It is difficult.

If I knew how to say 'it is fun' I would also add that in.... but maybe it's better that I don't cuz this time next year I'll probably be tearing my hair out trying to understand this langauge and learn to communicate in it!

but just for interest's sake, I'll share a (quick!) rundown of how this sentence is formed

nidi naku - is basically the phrase 'I am' but this is often shortened to just 'naku'

the verb 'eseka' is the word 'try' ... can you find it in there? The Lunda language 'squishes' words together so that a verb can have multiple prefixes and suffixes and somewhere, not necessarily in the middle, is the root of the verb. In this case the root is 'esek' ... I'm still not sure exactly why the 'a' is dropped and 'i' is added...??? but it happens ;)

'u' before any vowel become 'w' so naku eseki squishes to become nakweski ... Have I lost you yet? It gets easier

'kudiza' is the verb 'to learn'

'idimi' is the noun 'tongue' or in this case 'language'

'dawalunda' very simply means 'of the Lunda'

'Cha' means 'it' ... but only in this case ... depending on the class of the noun...  oh wait, I haven't told you yet that there are 10 classes of nouns and not only is it important to know what class each noun falls into, there are concords (I still don't know what that means exactly) that are prefixed to the nouns that follow and these can change based on whether the noun is singular or plural and whether its a regular prefix, a subjective concord or an objective concord... sigh... now I have to know what mood I'm speaking in too... :S

'kala' means 'difficult' or 'hard to do'

and 'mwani'... that's just a nice word that you add to the end of everything... it's kinda please, thankyou, I'm sorry, hello, good bye and 'I want to be polite' all wrapped up into one.... I think this is my favourite Lunda word ;)

anyway, if you'll excuse me.. I think I'd better get back to my lessons now.. sentence order is the next thing on my list and then maybe I'll get into tenses


The heavens declare the glory of God and the earth shows His handiwork... There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Psalm 19:1,3

Remember...

Remember Me...

Do this in remembrance of Me...

Remember the days of old...

There's something deep inside us that seems to quiver at the thought of being forgotten, something inate across every culture, every country, every period in history, every relationship.

This past Sunday I had the privilege of attending the Breaking of Bread meeting at Highbury Gospel Hall in London, Ontario. It was so refreshing to be able to go to a umm... 'mature' meeting. To be surrounded by those 'old' men and women. You know those ones- the stooped shoulders, the greying hair, the wrinkles... It was different this time though. Something about this 'remembrance meeting' had taken on a new quality, a poignant, and meaningful quality. It seemed as though behind the words, I could sense a deep emotion...

The opening hymn "Amidst us our Beloved stands". Can you see that man rising to offer this hymn for the worshippers to sing, suit and tie, dimming eyes and greying hair, but his heart, oh his heart, so in tune with his Saviour, his Lord, 'our Beloved' he calls Him.

And then another "Remember Thee and all Thy pains/ And all Thy love to me" All Thy love to me...
His love to me...

Its funny, I never thought of this before. But thinking and planning for leaving has given me a new perspective on so many things that are just common place to me, things I've taken for granted as always being there. Yes, Jesus was and is God and the reasons for this meeting where we share bread and wine are manifold and deep. But He also was a man, a human. And I wonder if maybe there was some humanness in this request as well. He was gathered around the table with 11 of His closest friends, His words to them 'with desire I have desired to eat this passover with you before I suffer'. I wonder if maybe He wasn't so different in His heart than we are when we say 'keep in touch', 'email me', 'call me'. Can you see Him there at the table, pondering old memories, conversations, places visited, long chats, people, moments, thoughts, emotions, contemplating what would happen in the next few hours, with foreknowledge viewing human history from the cross till the final end, His people, the ones He died for, struggling, wanting to please Him, but failing, some terribly, the lies that would crop up, the questions and confusion and so He provides a way, a simple way, a memorial meeting with others who love Him also and He asks simply 'remember me'

I've shared with a few people in these last few days about my plans, and each time now that I say 'keep in touch' I can't help but see 'my Beloved' standing behind them asking 'remember Me'. I can't help but feel His heart beat, his strong desire 'remember Me'. There are so many reasons to remember him, but to remember Him because He is my friend and He loves me, well, it sorta takes some of the tradition out of this sacred meeting and brings it to a level that is special and unique. A trysting place of sorts instead of a religious gathering. A place I long to be rather than a place I have to be.

This experience of moving to a completely different country and leaving behind everything and everyone that I know and love, even if it is just for a year, is so daunting; memories of places, of long chats, of smiles and hugs, of burnt pots and burnt popcorn, of escapades and experiences like a kaleidoscope overflow my thoughts, but I'm finding this experience so rich and fraught with deeper meanings. 'My Beloved' has taught me so many things and changed my perspective, deepened it maybe, I wouldn't trade this experience for the world, this opportunity to learn of Him especially, and each time I ask a friend to write, to keep in touch I can't help but turn my heart to Him and whisper 'I will remember Thee'

Remember Thee and all Thy pains
And all Thy love to me
Yea while a breath a pulse remains
Would I remember Thee

How long has it been?

How long has it been since you talked with the Lord?
And told Him your heart's hidden secrets
How long since you prayed?
How long since you stayed
On your knees till the light shone through?

How long has it been since your mind felt at ease?
How long since your heart knew no burden?
Can you call Him your friend?
How long has it been
since you knew that He cared for you?

How long has it been? I am blessed to have had a mother who talked to us children about God, who had texts up on every wall to speak to herself and her little 'mission field', who prayed for our salvation and prays even now for us to follow Him closely. I always knew about God's great sacrifice and at a young age realized what it meant for me. I grew up praying and did not need much encouragement to read my Bible (I probably struggle with those more now than ever I did as a child). God has always been my reality.

I can call Him my friend, I know that He cares for me, that He loves me and that I love Him. I know that I love talking with Him, I am thrilled by the little surprises He sends my way a million times in a day. I know that walking with Him is the greatest adventure ever given to us.

so why is it that so often I hug my burdens to myself?
Why is it, when I know that He knows and that He cares, I wrap myself in my hurts and disappointments and sorrows and allow myself to wonder 'does God really care?'
Why is it that sometimes I can actually let the thoughts linger 'God is out to get me; God wants to take away everything good in my life; God doesn't want me to be happy.' ?
Why is it that I turn to other things instead of Him to ease the ache that can grow inside?
Why is it that I forget to ask, to pray, to share, to pour out my heart to Him?

He tells us 'come boldly before the throne of His grace'.

Sometimes I read this as a command and other times it seems to me to be a plea 'come my child, come the Love of my Heart, come to me and tell me everything, you don't have to be afraid, you don't have to worry, I already know, my grace has already covered it, come as you are, just come and talk to Me.'

And yet, I allow myself to think 'God is probably sick of hearing me; God knows this already; I'm sure He's tired of hearing from me on the same subject, the same fears, the same struggles, the same sins, the same hurts, the same confusion. Why bring it up again?' And so time slips away, moment by moment by day and I hug to myself my thoughts and burdens like some sort of security blanket.

But, ever so patiently, God places in my path, in my heart His word, His voice 'that's ok little daughter, it's been a long time, come tell me again and let me comfort you.' And He does.

Some times I almost miss it, some times its such a small thing that I almost think that can't be it, sometimes its so huge I can hardly believe it. One day it was a package in the mail that I never thought I'd see, another day it was a letter, or sometimes its a good visit with friends; those tend to be the big things, the things I talk about for weeks and sometimes months after.

But today, its a small thing, and its enough. I have my eyes back where they belong, my heart open once again to the healing love of my Saviour, and the courage to press forward when fear is screaming 'go back go back'. Today its a simple verse that came up on my fb wall of all places, but today God knew I needed this, today this is my reminder that I am God's and He has me in His hands. Today He told me 'be strong and have courage, don't be afraid and don't allow discouragement to overtake you. The Lord your God is with you wherever you go'

How long has it been since you knelt by your bed
And prayed to the Lord up in heaven?
How long since you knew that He’d answer you
And would keep you the long night through?

How long has it been since you woke with the dawn
And felt that the day’s worth the living?
Can you call Him your friend?
How long has it been
since you knew that He cared for you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fe_kllNKXE0 

Decisions, Dilemmas and Divine glory

Now if my roommate were sitting next to me right now, she'd tell me 'there's no decision at all, you should just stay'. And that's true. But for me there is always a 'but'.

See, I just realized my brother is graduating this year. I know we've been talking about it, and mom has been planning what to do after he graduates, but it never hit me 'til earlier this week when I was on the phone with him and he was telling me: he's in grade 12 now. And he's going to graduate and walk across the stage and get a diploma and that Mommy and Dranna will be there and Jordan will have a babysitter. And Scena will come and maybe Aunt Chris and Uncle Gord. Then after it hit that I wasn't gonna be there, I said to him 'we'll see, but I can't promise'. His response 'no, try hard kay Scena, try hard'. Now how can I not go to my brother's graduation! Especially since he is so looking forward to it and there are few things from his big sisters' lives that he gets to share....

I mean it would just be putting my departure date off by 2-3 months. Instead of leaving the end of April, I'd leave the beginning of July. That's not so bad is it? ... its just .... well, being completely honest- its 'the fear of man' (Proberbs 29:25). Most people will likely understand, but there will be some and I'm afraid to hear their comments; my mind can go just wild with thinking about it. Its silly to think like this, I know that, but it doesn't stop those thoughts from slinking into my mind and try to build a nest of fluff and fear and people pleasing.

And then there are the Bible verses that swarm into my head changing this from a simple decision to a matter of faith- 'no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God' Luke 9:62 or  'if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever' 1 Timothy 5:8

Last night was Bible Study and we are going through the letter of Paul to the Colossians. Right now we are looking at the verses 15-23 in the first chapter all about the preeminence of Christ and His deity and His position as being the Head of the Church and the Maker of all Creation. One of the brothers had us turn to a verse in Hebrews and pointed out how Jesus could be the Head since He was also made like us, a man. What caught my eye though as we turned in our Bibles to look at the verses he referred to, was not just that Jesus has the authority to be Head of everything. On one side of my open Bible was the verse

'His Son... the brightness of His glory, the express image of His person' Hebrews 1:3

while on the other side

'He shared in flesh and blood ... that in every respect He might be made like His brothers, so that He could be a merciful and faithful High Priest.' Hebrews 2:14,17 (paraphase)

I thought that was incredibly awesome just to begin with; perfect God and perfect man in one beautiful combination. But what has thrilled me today is that Jesus, who is the exact image of God, is so eager to share and understand our troubles that He became one of us so that He could intercede or intervene or act as a mediator for us (Colossians 1:20-22; 1 Timothy 2:3-6). He knows. He understands. and best of all, He cares.

I don't know what my decision will be just yet, but I do know that as I seek for God's direction, not only will He be 'the voice behind me saying this is the way walk in it' (Isaiah 30:21), but He has asked me to tell Him about every care I have (1 Peter 5:7), and promised that He will be listening when I do (Psalm 4:3; 55:17) and pouring out His love and compassion on me (psalm 66:20; 94:19).

I love the Lord because He has heard my voice. Because He has inclined His ear unto me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live. Psalm 116:1

Now Therefore Go: The Path, Part Two

I've been negligent I see, forgetting to put up another post here. But it was discussion forum this past week in my course and difficult to think about something other than the plethora of posts that flooded my inbox- but I won't complain: this was the LAST discussion forum EVER!!!! So excited! Went out for breakfast with two very special ladies just to celebrate it!

I was in the middle of a story in my last post, so I'll pick up from there. There's not much left tho of the story...

After I read that devotional from the calendar, my initial reaction was 'Lord, if You want me to go to Zambia I will go'. Typical of me however, a few days later I began to question and wonder 'did this really happen?' 'maybe I took it to mean the wrong thing?' 'maybe I was supposed to stay here instead, I mean, there is LOTS of work to be done here'. I had been presented at this time with the information for various wound care courses that I could take that would help with professional development, and although I was very interested, I wasn't able to get that incident out of my head. I felt like I had come to a fork in the road and I had to decide which path I was going to take. And I so wanted to make sure it was a path the would be honouring to God, that it was the path He had already chosen for me. (This is something I still want even tho this decision has been made for now, that's why I can only say I will be in Zambia for as long as God wants me to be, which right now is a year so far as I know). Anyway, I spent the next few months praying and looking forward to my second trip to Zambia, this time to Chitokoloki Mission to visit friends of mine for 5 weeks.

There are two things that really stand out in my mind, above many others. The first was walking to the hospital and nearly every day for the last three weeks having run through my thoughts the verse: He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. The second, on the plane home pouring out my thoughts to God and coming across this verse that brought rest: the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. For me, I felt like God specifically was calling me to take these wound care courses I had been told about and then use the skills and knowledge from these courses as God's hands to reach out to a vulnerable population.

So, that's where I've been these last two years, working away module by module, course by course and now am just about finished these courses. I never expected to fall so much in love with this profession, but its like receiving an unexpected gift in the mail that is unbelievably precious: this passion for helping people as they struggle with the betrayal of their bodies and hopefully in some way pointing them to the Great Physician, the Great Healer, the Binder of Wounds, this One who I can say with thrill and awe 'This is my God'. I want not just at the end of my life when I finally get to see God, but at every moment of every day wherever I am for God to be able to say "I am not ashamed to be called her God". I am looking forward to this next adventure, travelling half way across the world to serve some of God's poorest children in material things, but so rich in life and personality.

Now they desire a better country, that is an heavenly, wherefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared for them a city. Hebrews 11:16

Now Therefore Go: The Path, Part One

well, this is a post I've been working on for a couple months. And its supposed to have been a sunday school lesson twice recently. But its really never made its way 'out' yet... so, we'll try again and see what happens. I figure it will be easiest to just base this post on my notes from that sunday school lesson. Its rather a meandering story and the lesson was geared toward children and tweens, and it will have to be done in 2 parts so its not too long, but I hope you enjoy it...

The story starts when I was 9 years old- this is the age I was when I first realized that the story of the Bible about God's love and mercy towards people who had sinned was meant for me. I mean, I had always known that, my parents made sure I knew that. But that's when I really realized what it meant! That's when I understood that 'it was for me that Jesus died'. The specifics of this story will have to wait for another post :)

When I was 13, I went to the first missionary report meeting that I can ever recall. For those of you who don't know what this is: basically, a missionary comes and gives a report on the work they are seeing done and are part of in whatever country they are serving in. I have no idea the names of this couple, but they had been working in Romania and they talked about the orphanages there and all the little children who were so desperate to be loved and so eager to hear about Jesus and His love for them. Something about this touched me deeply and I asked God then if He would to send me to go love the little children and tell them about His love.

As a teen, I struggled from time to time with the events of that evening and with questions in general:
is God calling me to go? Would He? Why me? What if I'm wrong? Where would I go? What would I do? Would people be supportive, or would they oppose this? I would tell God frequently during these times "when You say the word 'go' I will, but until then, I will just stay." For the most part tho, this was something only in the back of my mind that I pulled out occasionally to ponder. I never really fathomed that it would happen or how it would happen, but that sense of possibly going generally guided the decisions I made and the things that I focused on. I had wanted to be a nurse since about gr 7; I knew I wanted to do something that would be involved with serving and helping people and practically showing God's great love, which led me into nursing. When I finally decided to go into nursing in the back of my mind was the idea this is something that can be useful on the mission field.  And as much as I complain about various personalities that I meet and however unfaithful I am at being a gentle and compassionate nurse this is still the core reason I chose nursing. (just a note of caution for any who might be considering a career in nursing- its way harder than it looks! that was the first lesson I learned on the floor).

When I was starting my second year of nursing, the opportunity presented itself to go with classmates and professors to the Dominican Republic for an 8 day nursing trip up into the mountains of San Jose de Ocoa. A nursing friend and I decided that, even tho we were late applying, we were gonna try anyway. It was a weird experience that evening, after I submitted my application, I knew I was going on that trip. I knew God had planned it out already. This was my first big experience away from home and I survived!!! I actually even liked it... well loved it!

 At the end of my last year of school I travelled out to Kalene Mission Hospital in Zambia. That was an amazing opportunity- I felt like I really connected with the people and there were so many opportunities to get to know them, especially the children. When I came home, there was a Zambia size hole in my heart.

During the first few months of nursing I developed an interest in wounds and in learning about management and prevention of wounds and in helping and supporting people struggling with these ulcerations (whether bed sore, diabetic, venous or arterial related, traumatic injuries and burns etc). I was quite keen on learning what I could about these wounds and was encouraged to pursue a career in Enterostomal Therapy (Wound Management). However, I struggled because I thought God may be wanting me to go as a missionary somewhere and I wanted to be open and ready if and when He called.

There was a day about 3 mos before my second trip to Zambia, this time to Chitokoloki Mission, where my struggle between going or staying became unavoidable (unfortunately, I was supposed to be working nights and didn't get much sleep during the day). I spent the afternoon between trying to rest for my night shift and asking God to 'just please show me the way He wanted me to go' but coming to no defiinite answer other than being frustrated that I wasn't able to sleep (I don't generally have that problem!). Finally, I had to leave both my bed and my contemplations and get ready to go to work. I can still remember so clearly, just as I was leaving to go out the door, picking up the choice gleanings calendar to read the meditation for the day and the words that stood out to me:

'stop looking within at your own insecureties and just go'

The story was of Moses and his many excuses not to do what God had told him to do, but in the end after patiently answering all His questions God finally commands him 'now therefore go'.

well... stay tuned for part 2. Hopefully I'll be diligent and post it soon! ;-)



But they that say such things declare plainly that they seek a country... Hebrews 11:14

The Cat has been let out

Well, the cat has been let out of the bag! And let me assure you- it sure was hard keeping my mouth shut for 2 years about this! But yes folks, that's right, come next spring this girl is moving to Zambia.

The first move will only be for one year. Give me a chance to really see what its like living in Zambia, and give the missionaries at Chitokoloki a chance to get to know me better and work with me. At the end of that year I will be coming back home, discussing my experiences with my elders here and sharing any further confirmation from the Lord about where I am supposed to be. It could be still at Chit, it could be an different mission station in Zambia, it could be a different country in Africa, it could be that I decide God is actually calling me to stay home. (I won't lie- that would be really cool, to be close to my family and help with my brother and nephew... but I wouldn't miss the adventure God is calling me to join Him in)

So why am I going?  I'm sure some of you are asking this...

well, no snow for one... but huge bugs to compensate for that (hopefully not a lack of Raid!)
A cool adventure maybe... but one that takes me far from family and friends and a good internet connection
a different way of doing things and new experiences possibly... but I sure will miss pizza delivery, and a 10 min walk to Walmart (the mother of all stores!)

but seriously... its none of those reasons and for every reason I could come up with to go, there is a better reason to stay (and yes minimal contact with bugs and a large supply of raid is a good reason to stay home!)

no, I'm going because this is where I believe God has asked me to go and these are the people God has asked me to serve. Over the last two years I've spent a lot of time just praying and seeking God's will and in the process learning more and greater things about my Father. And this, this is the one reason I could find that is worth going because God my Father asked me to go.

I have thought a lot about the job opportunities I could seek as an Enterostomal Therapist and how much I love that role, but as hard as it is to leave that, its so much more thrilling to know that right now I am where God wants me to be. And for me, that's enough. This doesn't mean that at the end of this year or 5 years from now or 20 years from now I may understand that God has called me somewhere else (also on my heart is North Africa and all the struggles with famine and uprisings there), it just means that at this point in time this is where God has called me to be and what He has asked me to do.

I have to add tho... I sure am glad this is 'out' now. It's so hard keeping one's mouth shut and for TWO YEARS!

As an eagle stirs up her nest... so the LORD alone did lead. Deuteronomy 32:11,12

Three Interesting Conversations and what became of them

Well I have about twenty minutes here before supper so hopefully I will be able to get all my thoughts down at once, otherwise there will be a part two again. This is a carry on of a previous post about interesting conversations. Also so sorry again for my kindle typing, I know its hard to read. Will fix it the next time I have access to an actual computer. So saturday night  an interesting chat with a lady from what is termed "Special Areas" and for safety I wont say her name or where she is serving.  There were two basic points she made that really made me stop and think. It came up in conversation where I was in my planning to go overseas for missions and she very bluntly asked me ''so whats holding you back?' This was something that made me pause and think, if my elders have agreed to commend me and the missionaries in the area are open to me coming, then why am I still hanging back? Also we discussed about leaving family behind and about supporting them a what if they get sick? And again she pointed out 'but they arent sick now' again I had to pause and think: its true tehey aren't sick now and right now there are many sick and desperate ppl in the world that could use my skills and that desperately need the gospel. so that was a good conversation, a highlight to the week!

The next conversation was a little unsettling. One of the facilitators of the program came to me to ask how I was enjoying 'hanging out with us chapel folk' and to ask what my elders thought of my coming down to MOP and spending time here with ppl they wouldn't normally fellowship with. And to be honest that really hurt. I know he is a very sweet man, but it doesn't remove the fact that this judgement of who I am and what I believe still hurts. I guess its just a reminder to me to be careful of what I say and to avoid saying things that may be remotely hurtful or judgemental- thankfully I have a very good friend that is super conscious of these things and I know she will keep me in line. Am debating at this time if I should go back to this gentleman to clarify what he ment and if the other facilitators also would hold the same view or if they care.... comments? He did however have some interesting insights having been raised on a mission station but in Angola. He thinks that while mission stations definitely need to be revamped and have the idea reconsidered and modified for the culture, the age, and to stay in line with Biblical principals their role is not completely obsolete. I asked him what he meant by that but he said later in the week these questions may be answered so I guess I will have to wait and See and mabe ask him again at the end or via email At home.

And for the third conversation and I only have five minutes. I wasn't really part of this one but was at the table where it was being discussed. One missionary from South Africa was adamantly opposed to mission stations saying they created institutions that cost more and more money to support. And that missionaries shouldnt be sent to Zambia anymore because there are already over 1000 assemblies there and the locals should be able to do the work now. I see his point I have struggled with that myself. It was hard to hear as I had just been speaking to some of the girls at the tableabout medical missions in Zambia and then his rather negative comments about mission stations. My goal isn't to stay on the station either, I guess it was just more his view on missionaries being sent to Zambia. What to do with this one tho? Of course when asked about single women feeling the Lords leading there he said yes that is a safe place for a single woman to go and no he wouldnt discourage it. And you can be sure, those of you who know me, the feminist in me did protest!

But what to do about these three conversations? And what is the Lord trying to tell me? Well I'm not sure just yet. But I do wish I had my roomies here! I'm sure they'd have lots to say not just about these convos but also about the sessions which  i will have to try to fill in soon!

An Interesting Conversation

Well its been an interesting two days so far and today isn't over yet! The theme so far has been about the biblical reason for missions and about presenting a clear gospel. The irreducible minimums of the Gospel, the very basic points that people have to understand, are about who God is, who man is, what sin is, and how salvation from sin occurs. Today we had the opportunity to hear about how God has been leading each of us into missions; and three themes have emerged from that and its cool because these are three themes that have emerged in my life. The first is God taking on done a path one never thought to go down. Lots of ppl said they never intended to teach and yet here they are teaching. For me, I never thought I'd go to Zambia. In fact I never wanted to go to Africa in the first place. But God... The second was just stepping back and letting God lead. Which is also something that particularly in the last few months has been impressed upon me. Just stepping  back and following whereever God leads. The third was about serving wherever God calls one to go, including at home. And this is something that I have prayed about so much. There is so much work to be done here and so much opportunity. I just want to make sure that I am open to wherever the Lord leads into whatever country He leads me to, even if it is to stay here and working here for Him. Last night I had an interesting conversation that has sort of solidifies things for me. but I've run out of time so there will be a part two to this blog.

Missionary Friends and MOP

well a quick update and excuse the lack of punctuation i'm typing this on my kindle. The meeting with Shawn n Rhonda on monday went very well and many things came out of that. On my mind right now is leaving family and how can I as the eldest daughter leave my responsibilities for another. I wish there was an answer. The closest I got was you have to decide if God calls you then you have to be aware and willing to make that decision. But thats still so hard to let go of... But some of the other things we discussd were things I sorta already had a conviction about or at least had thots about. Learning the language. Living on a mission station where the missionaries speak english and the locals are trying to learn english, its easy to just skimp and avoid language studies. But well, I want them to know that I care about them and what a better way to show it then like a baby letting myself be teased and showing they and their culture are importat to me. Then too we discussed not letting my happiness depend on the opinions of those around me. This one may be more difficult. I am a people pleaser. I want ppl to be happy with me. but I  have learned from experience it doesn't always happen that way. I guess this is something that I will be working on for a little while. But I am not there to please the missionaries. I am there to please the One who sent me. So I'll go with an idea of what it is I am supposed to do and try not to rock the boat and just seek to please God who sent me and not get upset when I feel like I have failed someone. It was a great visit tho and I'm so glad I had the opportunity to chat about serious and practical things with them. 
And now I'm here at MOP the Missionary Orientation Program and it promises to be an intensive and hopefully profitable week. I am most hopeful to learn about interpersonal relationships with other missionaries and also about cross cultural communication. I am by nature rather businesslike. I get things done. The Lunda tribe I am going to are relational. They will talk anout everything before they even begin to discuss an issue and then they don't even really discuss it. They are all non confrontational, which works for me because I hate conflict ;) . But I know my mannerisms can sometimes seem like I'm upset. So this will be definitely something I need to watch for in my self and learn to avoid... i arrived here late last night after almost a whole day of driving. Its a beautiful campground, I cant wait to hike thru it and explore, but now its just about time for the day to begin. Lets see how this adventure goes!

Now Therefore Go: The Plans

I've been working on another post about the events leading up to this decision to go, but its long and involved and well, I haven't finished yet. But I just want to outline the things that are on my plate now that need to be attended to. Like first of all, finishing this course!

Right now I am looking forward to two things
a good chat with my friends Shawn and Rhonda from Chitokoloki this coming monday
and also the Missionary Orientation Program in Pensylvania from the 9th to the 15th of June.

What do I hope to get from these? It's always good  to have a plan in place and to be prepared.
First of all and very basically, I hope to be able to get my thoughts out into concrete questions that can be answered! ... never was very good with turning thoughts into words...

But I'm hoping to speak with S&R and gather from them
what its like to be a missionary, and to live on a mission station.
I want to ask them about God's faithfulness in providing for them and their 2 little girls for the last 3 years.
About the roles that they fill there as maintenence and accountant/ homeschooler and how that effects their plans for reaching out to the community.
I want to learn about the needs that they see in their community and how I could help them to meet those needs
I endeavor to learn about their thoughts on Mission Stations in general

And I guess afterward, I want to prayfully consider my role and length of stay on the Mission Station.

I've been very torn about where I would go. Right now, Chit makes the most sense as there are so many experienced missionaries and medical missionaries to learn from and follow their example. But some of the other Mission Station have needs that have been impressed on my heart. Most of all however, is the village work- getting right in there and living with the people and showing them God's love up close and personal, not enclosed within the grounds of the mission stations... but how do I get there from here? And is that even God's will, these are things that I'll have to learn step by step as I obey God, not all at once as a crisis moment.

God has always taken me in baby steps, so I'm pretty certain He won't be dropping me off in the village just yet! ;)

For the MOP ... that's harder, I'm not quite sure what to expect.
But I just hope for confirmation. For God to remind me that He is in this whole huge crazy mess. That leaving this profession that I love and my sunday school kids and teen night girls and my family and friends is really what He wants me to do. I mean, I know it is- I believe I am obeying His command to go into all the world, and to visit the orphan and the widow in their distress, but there is always a part of me that questions 'what if?'

Then there is all the paperwork that needs to be completed and a work permit to apply for and well, I'm not even sure of everything for this... but hopefully S&R will be able to give me a few pointers and help me sort through the paperwork of going.

I need to speak with the elders of my church again and bring them up to date and listen to their advice. In the multitude of many counselors there is safety!

And then finishing my course and wrapping everything else up here.. but that's getting more into the future than I can take....

for now its just 'step by step with Jesus by my side' Praying I don't go before Him, and praying I don't go a different way.

Commit your way unto the Lord, trust in Him and He will bring it to pass. Ps 37:5

The Best Laid Plans...

Last term, I decided that I was going to take the summer off from school. That was my plan. I told everyone that was what I was doing. I emailed the course facilitators to let them know this was my plan. I had the best of intentions that this was what I was going to do. I thought, since I'm so tired and stressed and have been doing 8day weeks and basically been in school since October 2010 that this would be the most logical and reasonable plan. I could use the summer for personal devotional time and time to spend with some of our teen girls discipling them and just encouraging them to get into their bibles and get to know our God, and time to relax and get to know my family and friends again (I've lost contact with some people because of this course). And then I'd go back for the final course in september, finish up 5 mos later than originally intended, but for the break that seemed worth it. I thought I had a great plan.

BUT GOD

But God stepped in.
But God interupted.
But God reached out.
But God changed everything.

But God... now in Ephesians there is a but God- that one is awesome, I love that 'but God'

we were dirty rotten vile sinners, BUT GOD because of His great love towards us made us alive in Christ and raised us up with Him and seated us in heavenly places in Christ Jesus.

I love that 'but God'. There are others, lots. Not all of them are as amazing as this one. But all of them are life changing, and all of them demonstrate God's power in our life (at least, they do to me). The heart of the King is in the hand of the LORD, He turns it wherever He will (Proverbs). I have many 'but God' moments in my life, and many of them are as clear and evident and precious this one. But right now, this one means more than just knowing that God is in my life, leading me. This one demonstrates to me that God is with me in my plans thus far.

See I had intended to take the summer off (don't know if you got that yet) and I had told everyone, including the course facilatators. But somehow, the course facilatators didn't get the memo, or didn't realize the determination behind my decision, I don't know.

My roommies and I went to Fredericton Conf. this year- amazing! But the best part was the 7hr conversation we had on the way home, getting to know my roommates and hear their burdens and how God was working in their lives and leading them, and what they were learning about God. It came up in conversation about my decision to put off this last course and how the only way I'd do it is if I went part time at work because there is so much that I feel needs my attention, and work is sorta the last thing on my list. Anyway, we made it home (2hrs less of a trip than expected) and being somewhat addicted, the first thing I did was check my email where there was this msg from the course facilatator asking why I hadn't registered for the next course and if I was going to register.... (didn't I tell them I wasn't taking this course at this time???)

Well, I shared this with my roommates and we chatted about the logistics of this- going parttime is kinda scary, y'know- no benefits, no guarranteed working hours, no sick time or vacation. And then I went upstairs to the Secret Place- do you know that place? I love that place, but I'm not always sure what to do when I go there. This time I decided since I've been reading through the memoirs of Nehemiah, I would start at the beginning and work my way through the entire book- its not long.

Well, I had many thoughts on the book, and I have a deeper appreciation of Nehemiah and the project He was called to fulfil. But the part that got me was right at the end and the people blessed all the men who willingly offered themselves to live in Jerusalem

there were two things about this that immediately captured my attention
1) they willingly offered themselves
          this wasn't something that God took from them, this was something they offered to God, something for Him that comes from the heart- God doesn't always want to be taking stuff away from us, He desires to see us give Him gifts of things that we give up for Him

2) to dwell in 'The Holy City' one has to be holy.... well I'm not, and this poor sinner won't be this side of heaven. But it is a challenge and a conviction to me to 'be holy because He is holy'
I have a long way to go with this, but I don't want to be one of those people who refuse to dwell in the Hole City where the presence of God is  because its uncomfortable.  But I'm thankful to know that God works in my heart both to do and to want to do His good pleasure.

For me that made the decision. I want the opportunity to freely offer something to my God who gave so much so freely and I wanted to put myself in a place where the concerns and the heart of my God are- namely personal devotions and discipleship of those around me.

So I registered for the course. And things still haven't turned out how I expected them. Right now there are not part time positions on my unit, and I suppose I could go somewhere else, but that doesn't seem practical right now. It does make sense now tho, that I take this course and get it over with, it actually makes alot of sense to finish it and then I can focus on my language lessons and packing and preparing to move and getting all the paper work in order and just generally preparing myself to give up my life here in post modern, technologically advanced, money oriented big city Toronto and move to the heart of Zambia, where there is dust and red dirt and bugs and bats and hopefully internet access in the evening so I can fill you all in on what big things I'm seeing God do!

and once again I am amazed at the 'but God' in my life. It always surprises me... but it shouldn't! This is the awesome God that I serve!

Byproduct of Suffering

We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame. Romans 5:3-5

When was the last time you stared death in the face?
When was the last time you left someone for 20mins and came back only to find that person cold and grey?
When was the last you bathed and prepared a body for the grief-stricken family to visit?

People wonder why I don't like movies with excessive violence and killing in them- this is why:
Until you have stared death in the face, until you have walked into a room expecting to 'care' for a person, until you have cried with a family over a loss (and its always unexpected), or tried to explain the dying process, or sat with a person as they take their last rattly gasp of air, you have no concept of the reality of death, of what it takes, of what it means. Its traumatizing and its final. There is no going back. And there are always te people who suffer- its just that in movies, one doesn't see the family of the bad guy who agonizes over their loss.

But I digress. I am not here to talk about death... rather about my ponderings after the recent death of one of my patients; maybe someday I'll tell you that story...

I have been struck with the transiency of life, like a vapor, it appears for a little while then vanishes; and the unexpectedness of death- how is it possible to leave a room for 20 mins and come back to find death has visited? I don't want to get caught up in the morbid, but I do want to contemplate the shortness of life and the finality of death and decide how I will let it affect me. I don't want it to make me callous and hard, I don't want it to become my reality- yes people do die, as a nurse I see that quite regularly, but I want the value of a life and the ugliness of death to be forefront in my mind, not the coldness of 'tomorrow we die'. Death wasn't in God original plan and I don't want death to cloud my view of life. Every life has value and I want my life to be one that recognizes this value and celebrates it, and honours it, and respects it.

There are 3 character traits that I need to work on in my dealings with people in order to cherish this opportunity of life that God has given us: gentleness, compassion and self- control.

gentleness is the outward expression of love. This is my words and my actions, my facial expressions and body language; this includes making time for others and my responses to them.

compassion is the heartfelt emotion of love. This is choosing to do these things above with my whole heart and not holding back that little piece that says 'I'm only doing this because I have to'. What if Christ had said that when He was dying?

self- control is the willful exercise of love. This is what it takes to keep going, to keep choosing to have a heart of compassion and to express gentleness, to keep choosing to 'die to self'.

I say I want to be a missionary, I intend in less than a year's time to go to Zambia to serve the people there. Amy Carmichael said 'missionary life is simply a chance to die'

By this shall all men know that you are my disciples because you love one another. John 13:35

This God is my God!

 Have this mind in you, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

(Philippians 2:5-11 ESV)

We studied these verses in Bible Study last night. At first I was a bit skeptical, although I was assured 'it was gonna be good'. I know these verses. I practically have them memorized. This is one of the more well known parts of scripture.... I find it difficult to separate myself sometimes from what I know and look at it with fresh eyes. .... Not so last night!

Wow! Is the the only way I can describe the meeting last night. Wow! We talked about the opening verses of the chapter, looked closer at some of the phrases and thoughts contained, thought about what it meant to be 'in the form of God', compared thoughts about how our Lord is both completely God and completely man- so mind bending! But the point that did it for me was the discussion between two brothers about the phrase 'a thing to be grasped at'.

In the King James Version (which I grew up using- and it didn't harm me one bit!) it says 'He thought it not robbery to be equal with God'. And a comparison of the different translations and the original greek (who are these people who have time to study the Bible in the original greek, I'd love to know how they do that!) brought about the discussion that there are two thoughts comtained in this phrase. The first was the more well known one, at least for me. It wasn't robbery for Jesus to think He was God, because He was. He is. He wasn't being blasphemous or a liar or a lunatic- He was and is equal with God, He is God. In our minds 1 + 1 + 1 = 3; but in God's math 1 + 1 + 1 = 1. Our minds and souls are bent through sin, so our math is also, but God is perfect and, tho I don't understand it completely, His math says that He and the Son and the Spirit make one God.

There was a second thought highlighted by this phrase and this is where my 'wow' moment came in. 'A thing to be grasped at'. We've all seen little kiddies 'grasp' at toys and hang unto them in a death clutch screaming if someone tries to take it away. We've heard of men and women who 'grasp' at success, or 'grasp' at relationships or 'grasp' at money. We grasp at being 'gods'- I am my own god, how often have we heard that? My Lord didn't 'grasp' at being God like grasping at a treasure- He already was God. And even more than that, He didn't 'grasp' at deity and the perks that go along with it. He freely gave it up. Not His deity, don't mistake me- even when he was first conceived, first born, when he was a little boy, a teenager, a young man, a dying man, a dead man, even then He was still God. But everything that goes along with being God- the praise of thousands of angels, the honour and glory, the beauty of heaven, perfect communion and relationship with the rest of the Trinity- He left all of that and willing took on the body of a man, along with all of the pains and sufferings and sadnesses and temptations that we go through, He was tired and sore and thirsty and hungry. All of the dirt of being a man He felt, right down to the point of dying, and right down to one of the most excruciating forms of death ever invented- crucifixion.

Wow! No wonder the next verses declare- wherefor God has HIGHLY exalted Him and given Him a name ABOVE EVERY OTHER NAME, that at His name EVERY knee will bow, of things in Heaven, things in earth and thing under the earth and EVERY tongue will DECLARE THAT JESUS CHRIST IS LORD to the glory of God the Father. On that day- God will be perfectly and completely glorified in His Son and in the sacrifice that He made!


This God is my God forever and ever! He shall be my guide even unto death
Psalm 48:14

Now Therefore Go: The Purpose

     And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, and gave them a charge unto the children of Israel Exodus 6:13

Time and again God has told Moses of the mission He expected him to accomplish, but repeatedly Moses presented excuses, in particular, focusing on his own inadequacies. In the end God commanded him to just 'go!' In life the Lord gives us frequent confirmations that He is with us in our future plans, but we excurse ourselves because of our own limitations. Stop looking within and 'go' - know of a surety He is with you and will always support you. (Choice Gleanings, June 7, 2010)

I've been pondering for a wee while now, how to encapsulate and record almost 15 years of history into one post- and I can't! So it will come out in three hopefully not ridicuously long posts. In this first post as the title suggests, I hope to explain what the purpose is of this blog. The second will be the path God has taken me on to bring me here, and the last will be the plans going forward from this point. And if my roommate G is reading this I know she will enjoy my bit of alliteration!

So, what's with the title of this blog- "now therefore go". These are the words of God to Moses when God sent Moses to lead His people out of Egypt. See, Moses and I have alot in common! Well, at least around the middle of his story- I don't think 'the meekest man in all the earth' would be an apt description of me, despite how quiet I appear!

Well, God told Moses "I've got a job for you- you're gonna lead my people out of Egypt, so go down to Egypt and get started" But Moses responded "What me? Who am I???" So God told him "relax- I'll go with you!" But again Moses responded "But how do I know this is really You Jehovah?" So again God patiently reassures His servant "you let the people know I AM WHO I AM has sent you" (wow! thems powerful words! I've always had to stop and ponder those words- I am the Perfectly Complete One, I am the All Sufficient and All Sufficing One, I always have been and always will be, I AM). But again Moses raises another (logical in my mind) concern- "But what if they don't believe me???? What if they mock me and laugh at me and tell me I imagined it all??? And for the third time God patiently reassures His chosen vessel "I'll give you a sign- in fact I'll give you 3!"

Now I don't know about you, but this is starting to sound a bit like an argument. But lets go back and listen again

For the fourth time Moses questions God and says "Oh Lord! I don't know how to speak! I can't think quick enough on my feet and I've never been good at sharing things with people." And for the fourth time God  patiently reassures Moses "Listen- I made mouths and tongues and speech, I'll go with you and give you the words to say. Now therefore go!"

Finally Moses, who hasn't been able to get out of the tasks yet exclaims "Not me Lord! Don't send me! Can't you find someone else???" 'And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses and He said "is there not Aaron your brother? Behold, he shall speak for you and shall be your mouth."'

Now therefore go!
I can understand Moses' arguments; there are four of them:
1) Who am I???- I am nothing really...
2) How do I really know this is You? - maybe I'm imagining this, maybe I want this so I'm making it up? Maybe the Powers of the Air are playing with me...
3) What if no one believes me?
4) I am not good at speaking and telling others about what I believe

Moses' arguments are my arguments- I'm not anyone special, I'm just an average sort of person really. I'm not sure sometimes... ok often... when God is really speaking to me. I'm still trying to sort between that inner voice and God's voice. I never expect people to believe me, to take me seriously- I am after all, just an average sort of person, why should people believe that God has spoken to me. And definitely, the last one- I so much prefer my safe little corner, with not too much light, and a lot of shadow because then its safe, I don't have to think about things that are uncomfortable or hard to figure out and I don't have to expose myself. (But as much as I think I love that safe little corner, I know I could never be happy there)

How many many times have I argued within my self and with God- there's no way that I could ever be called, no way that I'd ever have the courage to go, no way that I'd ever have the conviction that I ought to go and definitely no way that I'd ever be getting on the plane to actually go. Yet all the while knowing, that likely this is exactly what would happen.

It has always been important to me to be surrendered to God's plan for me and His will for my life. So the prayer 'I'll go if You say the word 'go' " is a familiar one to me. And now, without a doubt (almost, because I'm a waffle, and am never 100% about anything) God has stepped in and said "I chose you and this is the plan I have for you." And He has also used many stories of those 'who have gone on before' to help guide me and reassure me also. Since June 2010, when I first read that Choice Gleaning Calendar, through Moses' story and many others, I have been convicted that God's call for me, His plan for at least the next little while, is to uproot me and transplant me into the bush in Zambia to serve Him in whatever capacity He sees fit, for as long as He sees fit.

So the purpose of the blog: they say there are times when you question your calling, when you wonder if you really heard God's voice, if you really are where He wants you to be. I know alot about questioning God and myself, and the reality of my convictions and experiences. So this blog is purposed  to stand as a testimony to myself and to others who read it that He has done this. That through His calling and choosing, He has asked me to travel with Him to the bush of Zambia and fulfil His commands there to 'go into all the world, to make disciples of all men and to love one another'. I'm not exactly sure what this will look like for me, but I'm excited to get started and see where He leads.


That they may see, and know, and consider, and understand that the hand of the Lord hath done this
Isaiah 41:20

Come and hear, all you that fear God, and I will declare what He hath done
Psalm 66:16

My 1500$ Text Book

wow that's an expensive text book! Actually there's a whole course that goes along with it so I guess its not so bad! ;) This is the third text book and course now- the final one in the Enterostomal Therapist program. This is the one I've been waiting for: Acute and Chronic Wounds. And I'm so excited to take it. Well, mostly! You see there's alot of emotions and thoughts around this course. For one- just the thought of taking another course is stressful; I've basically been in school for 18mos straight now, plus working full time. I think I may have sanity issues ;) And then there was the excitement of being able to do something different for a while besides just focus on school work and studying. Especially with the Missionary Orientation Program coming up: I had hoped to spend some time preparing for that. And my sunday school class- actually being able to focus on preparing a lesson for my kiddies. And most importantly, I had been looking forward to having more time to focus on deepening my relationship with God. I think that's the hardest thing to work into this race track that has become my life.

So I had planned to take the summer off school and rest (while still doing full time hours at work :S) and focus on deepening relationships, with my God and my family and the kids in the sunday school and teen night classes. But I came home from Fredericton Conf. on Monday and well, circumstances and God changed my plans pretty much overnight. So the new plan is to go part time at work (haven't told the manager yet) and to continue on with this course. And now that it's settled I'm pretty ok with it- a little nervous about getting enough shifts at work to support myself, But I know that God will provide- and that's not just words either, I"ve seen Him do it! But it's a little nerve wracking when its one's own life than when one is watching it happen in another's life.

But back to my text book- what's the big deal about getting a text book in the mail, I mean its part of the course right? Well, sorta- the course is one thing. I know God directed me to take that course and He will support me through it. But the text book, well, can I say my heart began to ache when I saw that? I love wound care (I know- that sounds so weird! And maybe in one of these posts I'll explain it) and I love the professional role of the Enterostomal Therapist (never thought I"D say I love a professional role- that's not really me!)  but I also know that I will likely never practice here in Canada. I find that thought so hard to comprehend. I love working with the ET nurse for my nursing unit, I love being that consultant on the unit and assessing and recommending for the other nurses, I LOVE the learning and the challenge and all the new treatments and methods of treatment and products that are being researched and innovated and created. But. But! Well, but. God has planned otherwise- and believe me: I am not complaining! But realizing how much I love this profession makes it difficult to make the decision to give it up. This post could have been called- "One Life to Live" and that would be equally true. If I had another life to live, wound care is what I would pick. But I have this one life and that's it and well, I guess my text book will serve its purpose for these three months and then get put on the bookshelf in whatever country that bookshelf may happen to end up! ;) I guess I had a little mourning period when I received it- but that will pass...

hmm... so many thoughts that a simple text book can generate! .....

The First Post- My New Toy

Hmmm.... the first post on this blog. Actually this is my first time blogging too! I tend to dislike the 'first' of many things, this is one of them. There is just so much dependent on the 'first' experience, the 'first' sight, the 'first' post. It can and often will indicate how the rest of whatever it is will go. I am tired, just worked a 12hr shift, and I am writing only to get this first post out of the way, but I hope that as you read thru my posts I can give you an idea of who I am and where I am going and what is important to me. Right now this is kinda like a new toy- we'll see how often I use it, likely a whole lot at the beginning and tapering off as the weeks go on.

Anyway, its late and I have to be up early tomorrow so i guess this is all for now!