I've been working on another post about the events leading up to this decision to go, but its long and involved and well, I haven't finished yet. But I just want to outline the things that are on my plate now that need to be attended to. Like first of all, finishing this course!
Right now I am looking forward to two things
a good chat with my friends Shawn and Rhonda from Chitokoloki this coming monday
and also the Missionary Orientation Program in Pensylvania from the 9th to the 15th of June.
What do I hope to get from these? It's always good to have a plan in place and to be prepared.
First of all and very basically, I hope to be able to get my thoughts out into concrete questions that can be answered! ... never was very good with turning thoughts into words...
But I'm hoping to speak with S&R and gather from them
what its like to be a missionary, and to live on a mission station.
I want to ask them about God's faithfulness in providing for them and their 2 little girls for the last 3 years.
About the roles that they fill there as maintenence and accountant/ homeschooler and how that effects their plans for reaching out to the community.
I want to learn about the needs that they see in their community and how I could help them to meet those needs
I endeavor to learn about their thoughts on Mission Stations in general
And I guess afterward, I want to prayfully consider my role and length of stay on the Mission Station.
I've been very torn about where I would go. Right now, Chit makes the most sense as there are so many experienced missionaries and medical missionaries to learn from and follow their example. But some of the other Mission Station have needs that have been impressed on my heart. Most of all however, is the village work- getting right in there and living with the people and showing them God's love up close and personal, not enclosed within the grounds of the mission stations... but how do I get there from here? And is that even God's will, these are things that I'll have to learn step by step as I obey God, not all at once as a crisis moment.
God has always taken me in baby steps, so I'm pretty certain He won't be dropping me off in the village just yet! ;)
For the MOP ... that's harder, I'm not quite sure what to expect.
But I just hope for confirmation. For God to remind me that He is in this whole huge crazy mess. That leaving this profession that I love and my sunday school kids and teen night girls and my family and friends is really what He wants me to do. I mean, I know it is- I believe I am obeying His command to go into all the world, and to visit the orphan and the widow in their distress, but there is always a part of me that questions 'what if?'
Then there is all the paperwork that needs to be completed and a work permit to apply for and well, I'm not even sure of everything for this... but hopefully S&R will be able to give me a few pointers and help me sort through the paperwork of going.
I need to speak with the elders of my church again and bring them up to date and listen to their advice. In the multitude of many counselors there is safety!
And then finishing my course and wrapping everything else up here.. but that's getting more into the future than I can take....
for now its just 'step by step with Jesus by my side' Praying I don't go before Him, and praying I don't go a different way.
Commit your way unto the Lord, trust in Him and He will bring it to pass. Ps 37:5
Thursday 31 May 2012
Tuesday 29 May 2012
The Best Laid Plans...
Last term, I decided that I was going to take the summer off from school. That was my plan. I told everyone that was what I was doing. I emailed the course facilitators to let them know this was my plan. I had the best of intentions that this was what I was going to do. I thought, since I'm so tired and stressed and have been doing 8day weeks and basically been in school since October 2010 that this would be the most logical and reasonable plan. I could use the summer for personal devotional time and time to spend with some of our teen girls discipling them and just encouraging them to get into their bibles and get to know our God, and time to relax and get to know my family and friends again (I've lost contact with some people because of this course). And then I'd go back for the final course in september, finish up 5 mos later than originally intended, but for the break that seemed worth it. I thought I had a great plan.
BUT GOD
But God stepped in.
But God interupted.
But God reached out.
But God changed everything.
But God... now in Ephesians there is a but God- that one is awesome, I love that 'but God'
we were dirty rotten vile sinners, BUT GOD because of His great love towards us made us alive in Christ and raised us up with Him and seated us in heavenly places in Christ Jesus.
I love that 'but God'. There are others, lots. Not all of them are as amazing as this one. But all of them are life changing, and all of them demonstrate God's power in our life (at least, they do to me). The heart of the King is in the hand of the LORD, He turns it wherever He will (Proverbs). I have many 'but God' moments in my life, and many of them are as clear and evident and precious this one. But right now, this one means more than just knowing that God is in my life, leading me. This one demonstrates to me that God is with me in my plans thus far.
See I had intended to take the summer off (don't know if you got that yet) and I had told everyone, including the course facilatators. But somehow, the course facilatators didn't get the memo, or didn't realize the determination behind my decision, I don't know.
My roommies and I went to Fredericton Conf. this year- amazing! But the best part was the 7hr conversation we had on the way home, getting to know my roommates and hear their burdens and how God was working in their lives and leading them, and what they were learning about God. It came up in conversation about my decision to put off this last course and how the only way I'd do it is if I went part time at work because there is so much that I feel needs my attention, and work is sorta the last thing on my list. Anyway, we made it home (2hrs less of a trip than expected) and being somewhat addicted, the first thing I did was check my email where there was this msg from the course facilatator asking why I hadn't registered for the next course and if I was going to register.... (didn't I tell them I wasn't taking this course at this time???)
Well, I shared this with my roommates and we chatted about the logistics of this- going parttime is kinda scary, y'know- no benefits, no guarranteed working hours, no sick time or vacation. And then I went upstairs to the Secret Place- do you know that place? I love that place, but I'm not always sure what to do when I go there. This time I decided since I've been reading through the memoirs of Nehemiah, I would start at the beginning and work my way through the entire book- its not long.
Well, I had many thoughts on the book, and I have a deeper appreciation of Nehemiah and the project He was called to fulfil. But the part that got me was right at the end and the people blessed all the men who willingly offered themselves to live in Jerusalem
there were two things about this that immediately captured my attention
1) they willingly offered themselves
this wasn't something that God took from them, this was something they offered to God, something for Him that comes from the heart- God doesn't always want to be taking stuff away from us, He desires to see us give Him gifts of things that we give up for Him
2) to dwell in 'The Holy City' one has to be holy.... well I'm not, and this poor sinner won't be this side of heaven. But it is a challenge and a conviction to me to 'be holy because He is holy'
I have a long way to go with this, but I don't want to be one of those people who refuse to dwell in the Hole City where the presence of God is because its uncomfortable. But I'm thankful to know that God works in my heart both to do and to want to do His good pleasure.
For me that made the decision. I want the opportunity to freely offer something to my God who gave so much so freely and I wanted to put myself in a place where the concerns and the heart of my God are- namely personal devotions and discipleship of those around me.
So I registered for the course. And things still haven't turned out how I expected them. Right now there are not part time positions on my unit, and I suppose I could go somewhere else, but that doesn't seem practical right now. It does make sense now tho, that I take this course and get it over with, it actually makes alot of sense to finish it and then I can focus on my language lessons and packing and preparing to move and getting all the paper work in order and just generally preparing myself to give up my life here in post modern, technologically advanced, money oriented big city Toronto and move to the heart of Zambia, where there is dust and red dirt and bugs and bats and hopefully internet access in the evening so I can fill you all in on what big things I'm seeing God do!
and once again I am amazed at the 'but God' in my life. It always surprises me... but it shouldn't! This is the awesome God that I serve!
BUT GOD
But God stepped in.
But God interupted.
But God reached out.
But God changed everything.
But God... now in Ephesians there is a but God- that one is awesome, I love that 'but God'
we were dirty rotten vile sinners, BUT GOD because of His great love towards us made us alive in Christ and raised us up with Him and seated us in heavenly places in Christ Jesus.
I love that 'but God'. There are others, lots. Not all of them are as amazing as this one. But all of them are life changing, and all of them demonstrate God's power in our life (at least, they do to me). The heart of the King is in the hand of the LORD, He turns it wherever He will (Proverbs). I have many 'but God' moments in my life, and many of them are as clear and evident and precious this one. But right now, this one means more than just knowing that God is in my life, leading me. This one demonstrates to me that God is with me in my plans thus far.
See I had intended to take the summer off (don't know if you got that yet) and I had told everyone, including the course facilatators. But somehow, the course facilatators didn't get the memo, or didn't realize the determination behind my decision, I don't know.
My roommies and I went to Fredericton Conf. this year- amazing! But the best part was the 7hr conversation we had on the way home, getting to know my roommates and hear their burdens and how God was working in their lives and leading them, and what they were learning about God. It came up in conversation about my decision to put off this last course and how the only way I'd do it is if I went part time at work because there is so much that I feel needs my attention, and work is sorta the last thing on my list. Anyway, we made it home (2hrs less of a trip than expected) and being somewhat addicted, the first thing I did was check my email where there was this msg from the course facilatator asking why I hadn't registered for the next course and if I was going to register.... (didn't I tell them I wasn't taking this course at this time???)
Well, I shared this with my roommates and we chatted about the logistics of this- going parttime is kinda scary, y'know- no benefits, no guarranteed working hours, no sick time or vacation. And then I went upstairs to the Secret Place- do you know that place? I love that place, but I'm not always sure what to do when I go there. This time I decided since I've been reading through the memoirs of Nehemiah, I would start at the beginning and work my way through the entire book- its not long.
Well, I had many thoughts on the book, and I have a deeper appreciation of Nehemiah and the project He was called to fulfil. But the part that got me was right at the end and the people blessed all the men who willingly offered themselves to live in Jerusalem
there were two things about this that immediately captured my attention
1) they willingly offered themselves
this wasn't something that God took from them, this was something they offered to God, something for Him that comes from the heart- God doesn't always want to be taking stuff away from us, He desires to see us give Him gifts of things that we give up for Him
2) to dwell in 'The Holy City' one has to be holy.... well I'm not, and this poor sinner won't be this side of heaven. But it is a challenge and a conviction to me to 'be holy because He is holy'
I have a long way to go with this, but I don't want to be one of those people who refuse to dwell in the Hole City where the presence of God is because its uncomfortable. But I'm thankful to know that God works in my heart both to do and to want to do His good pleasure.
For me that made the decision. I want the opportunity to freely offer something to my God who gave so much so freely and I wanted to put myself in a place where the concerns and the heart of my God are- namely personal devotions and discipleship of those around me.
So I registered for the course. And things still haven't turned out how I expected them. Right now there are not part time positions on my unit, and I suppose I could go somewhere else, but that doesn't seem practical right now. It does make sense now tho, that I take this course and get it over with, it actually makes alot of sense to finish it and then I can focus on my language lessons and packing and preparing to move and getting all the paper work in order and just generally preparing myself to give up my life here in post modern, technologically advanced, money oriented big city Toronto and move to the heart of Zambia, where there is dust and red dirt and bugs and bats and hopefully internet access in the evening so I can fill you all in on what big things I'm seeing God do!
and once again I am amazed at the 'but God' in my life. It always surprises me... but it shouldn't! This is the awesome God that I serve!
Byproduct of Suffering
We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame. Romans 5:3-5
When was the last time you stared death in the face?
When was the last time you left someone for 20mins and came back only to find that person cold and grey?
When was the last you bathed and prepared a body for the grief-stricken family to visit?
People wonder why I don't like movies with excessive violence and killing in them- this is why:
Until you have stared death in the face, until you have walked into a room expecting to 'care' for a person, until you have cried with a family over a loss (and its always unexpected), or tried to explain the dying process, or sat with a person as they take their last rattly gasp of air, you have no concept of the reality of death, of what it takes, of what it means. Its traumatizing and its final. There is no going back. And there are always te people who suffer- its just that in movies, one doesn't see the family of the bad guy who agonizes over their loss.
But I digress. I am not here to talk about death... rather about my ponderings after the recent death of one of my patients; maybe someday I'll tell you that story...
I have been struck with the transiency of life, like a vapor, it appears for a little while then vanishes; and the unexpectedness of death- how is it possible to leave a room for 20 mins and come back to find death has visited? I don't want to get caught up in the morbid, but I do want to contemplate the shortness of life and the finality of death and decide how I will let it affect me. I don't want it to make me callous and hard, I don't want it to become my reality- yes people do die, as a nurse I see that quite regularly, but I want the value of a life and the ugliness of death to be forefront in my mind, not the coldness of 'tomorrow we die'. Death wasn't in God original plan and I don't want death to cloud my view of life. Every life has value and I want my life to be one that recognizes this value and celebrates it, and honours it, and respects it.
There are 3 character traits that I need to work on in my dealings with people in order to cherish this opportunity of life that God has given us: gentleness, compassion and self- control.
gentleness is the outward expression of love. This is my words and my actions, my facial expressions and body language; this includes making time for others and my responses to them.
compassion is the heartfelt emotion of love. This is choosing to do these things above with my whole heart and not holding back that little piece that says 'I'm only doing this because I have to'. What if Christ had said that when He was dying?
self- control is the willful exercise of love. This is what it takes to keep going, to keep choosing to have a heart of compassion and to express gentleness, to keep choosing to 'die to self'.
I say I want to be a missionary, I intend in less than a year's time to go to Zambia to serve the people there. Amy Carmichael said 'missionary life is simply a chance to die'
By this shall all men know that you are my disciples because you love one another. John 13:35
When was the last time you stared death in the face?
When was the last time you left someone for 20mins and came back only to find that person cold and grey?
When was the last you bathed and prepared a body for the grief-stricken family to visit?
People wonder why I don't like movies with excessive violence and killing in them- this is why:
Until you have stared death in the face, until you have walked into a room expecting to 'care' for a person, until you have cried with a family over a loss (and its always unexpected), or tried to explain the dying process, or sat with a person as they take their last rattly gasp of air, you have no concept of the reality of death, of what it takes, of what it means. Its traumatizing and its final. There is no going back. And there are always te people who suffer- its just that in movies, one doesn't see the family of the bad guy who agonizes over their loss.
But I digress. I am not here to talk about death... rather about my ponderings after the recent death of one of my patients; maybe someday I'll tell you that story...
I have been struck with the transiency of life, like a vapor, it appears for a little while then vanishes; and the unexpectedness of death- how is it possible to leave a room for 20 mins and come back to find death has visited? I don't want to get caught up in the morbid, but I do want to contemplate the shortness of life and the finality of death and decide how I will let it affect me. I don't want it to make me callous and hard, I don't want it to become my reality- yes people do die, as a nurse I see that quite regularly, but I want the value of a life and the ugliness of death to be forefront in my mind, not the coldness of 'tomorrow we die'. Death wasn't in God original plan and I don't want death to cloud my view of life. Every life has value and I want my life to be one that recognizes this value and celebrates it, and honours it, and respects it.
There are 3 character traits that I need to work on in my dealings with people in order to cherish this opportunity of life that God has given us: gentleness, compassion and self- control.
gentleness is the outward expression of love. This is my words and my actions, my facial expressions and body language; this includes making time for others and my responses to them.
compassion is the heartfelt emotion of love. This is choosing to do these things above with my whole heart and not holding back that little piece that says 'I'm only doing this because I have to'. What if Christ had said that when He was dying?
self- control is the willful exercise of love. This is what it takes to keep going, to keep choosing to have a heart of compassion and to express gentleness, to keep choosing to 'die to self'.
I say I want to be a missionary, I intend in less than a year's time to go to Zambia to serve the people there. Amy Carmichael said 'missionary life is simply a chance to die'
By this shall all men know that you are my disciples because you love one another. John 13:35
Thursday 10 May 2012
This God is my God!
Have this mind in you, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
(Philippians 2:5-11 ESV)
We studied these verses in Bible Study last night. At first I was a bit skeptical, although I was assured 'it was gonna be good'. I know these verses. I practically have them memorized. This is one of the more well known parts of scripture.... I find it difficult to separate myself sometimes from what I know and look at it with fresh eyes. .... Not so last night!
Wow! Is the the only way I can describe the meeting last night. Wow! We talked about the opening verses of the chapter, looked closer at some of the phrases and thoughts contained, thought about what it meant to be 'in the form of God', compared thoughts about how our Lord is both completely God and completely man- so mind bending! But the point that did it for me was the discussion between two brothers about the phrase 'a thing to be grasped at'.
In the King James Version (which I grew up using- and it didn't harm me one bit!) it says 'He thought it not robbery to be equal with God'. And a comparison of the different translations and the original greek (who are these people who have time to study the Bible in the original greek, I'd love to know how they do that!) brought about the discussion that there are two thoughts comtained in this phrase. The first was the more well known one, at least for me. It wasn't robbery for Jesus to think He was God, because He was. He is. He wasn't being blasphemous or a liar or a lunatic- He was and is equal with God, He is God. In our minds 1 + 1 + 1 = 3; but in God's math 1 + 1 + 1 = 1. Our minds and souls are bent through sin, so our math is also, but God is perfect and, tho I don't understand it completely, His math says that He and the Son and the Spirit make one God.
There was a second thought highlighted by this phrase and this is where my 'wow' moment came in. 'A thing to be grasped at'. We've all seen little kiddies 'grasp' at toys and hang unto them in a death clutch screaming if someone tries to take it away. We've heard of men and women who 'grasp' at success, or 'grasp' at relationships or 'grasp' at money. We grasp at being 'gods'- I am my own god, how often have we heard that? My Lord didn't 'grasp' at being God like grasping at a treasure- He already was God. And even more than that, He didn't 'grasp' at deity and the perks that go along with it. He freely gave it up. Not His deity, don't mistake me- even when he was first conceived, first born, when he was a little boy, a teenager, a young man, a dying man, a dead man, even then He was still God. But everything that goes along with being God- the praise of thousands of angels, the honour and glory, the beauty of heaven, perfect communion and relationship with the rest of the Trinity- He left all of that and willing took on the body of a man, along with all of the pains and sufferings and sadnesses and temptations that we go through, He was tired and sore and thirsty and hungry. All of the dirt of being a man He felt, right down to the point of dying, and right down to one of the most excruciating forms of death ever invented- crucifixion.
Wow! No wonder the next verses declare- wherefor God has HIGHLY exalted Him and given Him a name ABOVE EVERY OTHER NAME, that at His name EVERY knee will bow, of things in Heaven, things in earth and thing under the earth and EVERY tongue will DECLARE THAT JESUS CHRIST IS LORD to the glory of God the Father. On that day- God will be perfectly and completely glorified in His Son and in the sacrifice that He made!
This God is my God forever and ever! He shall be my guide even unto death
Psalm 48:14
(Philippians 2:5-11 ESV)
We studied these verses in Bible Study last night. At first I was a bit skeptical, although I was assured 'it was gonna be good'. I know these verses. I practically have them memorized. This is one of the more well known parts of scripture.... I find it difficult to separate myself sometimes from what I know and look at it with fresh eyes. .... Not so last night!
Wow! Is the the only way I can describe the meeting last night. Wow! We talked about the opening verses of the chapter, looked closer at some of the phrases and thoughts contained, thought about what it meant to be 'in the form of God', compared thoughts about how our Lord is both completely God and completely man- so mind bending! But the point that did it for me was the discussion between two brothers about the phrase 'a thing to be grasped at'.
In the King James Version (which I grew up using- and it didn't harm me one bit!) it says 'He thought it not robbery to be equal with God'. And a comparison of the different translations and the original greek (who are these people who have time to study the Bible in the original greek, I'd love to know how they do that!) brought about the discussion that there are two thoughts comtained in this phrase. The first was the more well known one, at least for me. It wasn't robbery for Jesus to think He was God, because He was. He is. He wasn't being blasphemous or a liar or a lunatic- He was and is equal with God, He is God. In our minds 1 + 1 + 1 = 3; but in God's math 1 + 1 + 1 = 1. Our minds and souls are bent through sin, so our math is also, but God is perfect and, tho I don't understand it completely, His math says that He and the Son and the Spirit make one God.
There was a second thought highlighted by this phrase and this is where my 'wow' moment came in. 'A thing to be grasped at'. We've all seen little kiddies 'grasp' at toys and hang unto them in a death clutch screaming if someone tries to take it away. We've heard of men and women who 'grasp' at success, or 'grasp' at relationships or 'grasp' at money. We grasp at being 'gods'- I am my own god, how often have we heard that? My Lord didn't 'grasp' at being God like grasping at a treasure- He already was God. And even more than that, He didn't 'grasp' at deity and the perks that go along with it. He freely gave it up. Not His deity, don't mistake me- even when he was first conceived, first born, when he was a little boy, a teenager, a young man, a dying man, a dead man, even then He was still God. But everything that goes along with being God- the praise of thousands of angels, the honour and glory, the beauty of heaven, perfect communion and relationship with the rest of the Trinity- He left all of that and willing took on the body of a man, along with all of the pains and sufferings and sadnesses and temptations that we go through, He was tired and sore and thirsty and hungry. All of the dirt of being a man He felt, right down to the point of dying, and right down to one of the most excruciating forms of death ever invented- crucifixion.
Wow! No wonder the next verses declare- wherefor God has HIGHLY exalted Him and given Him a name ABOVE EVERY OTHER NAME, that at His name EVERY knee will bow, of things in Heaven, things in earth and thing under the earth and EVERY tongue will DECLARE THAT JESUS CHRIST IS LORD to the glory of God the Father. On that day- God will be perfectly and completely glorified in His Son and in the sacrifice that He made!
This God is my God forever and ever! He shall be my guide even unto death
Psalm 48:14
Wednesday 9 May 2012
Now Therefore Go: The Purpose
And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, and gave them a charge unto the children of Israel Exodus 6:13
Time and again God has told Moses of the mission He expected him to accomplish, but repeatedly Moses presented excuses, in particular, focusing on his own inadequacies. In the end God commanded him to just 'go!' In life the Lord gives us frequent confirmations that He is with us in our future plans, but we excurse ourselves because of our own limitations. Stop looking within and 'go' - know of a surety He is with you and will always support you. (Choice Gleanings, June 7, 2010)
I've been pondering for a wee while now, how to encapsulate and record almost 15 years of history into one post- and I can't! So it will come out in three hopefully not ridicuously long posts. In this first post as the title suggests, I hope to explain what the purpose is of this blog. The second will be the path God has taken me on to bring me here, and the last will be the plans going forward from this point. And if my roommate G is reading this I know she will enjoy my bit of alliteration!
So, what's with the title of this blog- "now therefore go". These are the words of God to Moses when God sent Moses to lead His people out of Egypt. See, Moses and I have alot in common! Well, at least around the middle of his story- I don't think 'the meekest man in all the earth' would be an apt description of me, despite how quiet I appear!
Well, God told Moses "I've got a job for you- you're gonna lead my people out of Egypt, so go down to Egypt and get started" But Moses responded "What me? Who am I???" So God told him "relax- I'll go with you!" But again Moses responded "But how do I know this is really You Jehovah?" So again God patiently reassures His servant "you let the people know I AM WHO I AM has sent you" (wow! thems powerful words! I've always had to stop and ponder those words- I am the Perfectly Complete One, I am the All Sufficient and All Sufficing One, I always have been and always will be, I AM). But again Moses raises another (logical in my mind) concern- "But what if they don't believe me???? What if they mock me and laugh at me and tell me I imagined it all??? And for the third time God patiently reassures His chosen vessel "I'll give you a sign- in fact I'll give you 3!"
Now I don't know about you, but this is starting to sound a bit like an argument. But lets go back and listen again
For the fourth time Moses questions God and says "Oh Lord! I don't know how to speak! I can't think quick enough on my feet and I've never been good at sharing things with people." And for the fourth time God patiently reassures Moses "Listen- I made mouths and tongues and speech, I'll go with you and give you the words to say. Now therefore go!"
Finally Moses, who hasn't been able to get out of the tasks yet exclaims "Not me Lord! Don't send me! Can't you find someone else???" 'And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses and He said "is there not Aaron your brother? Behold, he shall speak for you and shall be your mouth."'
Now therefore go!
I can understand Moses' arguments; there are four of them:
1) Who am I???- I am nothing really...
2) How do I really know this is You? - maybe I'm imagining this, maybe I want this so I'm making it up? Maybe the Powers of the Air are playing with me...
3) What if no one believes me?
4) I am not good at speaking and telling others about what I believe
Moses' arguments are my arguments- I'm not anyone special, I'm just an average sort of person really. I'm not sure sometimes... ok often... when God is really speaking to me. I'm still trying to sort between that inner voice and God's voice. I never expect people to believe me, to take me seriously- I am after all, just an average sort of person, why should people believe that God has spoken to me. And definitely, the last one- I so much prefer my safe little corner, with not too much light, and a lot of shadow because then its safe, I don't have to think about things that are uncomfortable or hard to figure out and I don't have to expose myself. (But as much as I think I love that safe little corner, I know I could never be happy there)
How many many times have I argued within my self and with God- there's no way that I could ever be called, no way that I'd ever have the courage to go, no way that I'd ever have the conviction that I ought to go and definitely no way that I'd ever be getting on the plane to actually go. Yet all the while knowing, that likely this is exactly what would happen.
It has always been important to me to be surrendered to God's plan for me and His will for my life. So the prayer 'I'll go if You say the word 'go' " is a familiar one to me. And now, without a doubt (almost, because I'm a waffle, and am never 100% about anything) God has stepped in and said "I chose you and this is the plan I have for you." And He has also used many stories of those 'who have gone on before' to help guide me and reassure me also. Since June 2010, when I first read that Choice Gleaning Calendar, through Moses' story and many others, I have been convicted that God's call for me, His plan for at least the next little while, is to uproot me and transplant me into the bush in Zambia to serve Him in whatever capacity He sees fit, for as long as He sees fit.
So the purpose of the blog: they say there are times when you question your calling, when you wonder if you really heard God's voice, if you really are where He wants you to be. I know alot about questioning God and myself, and the reality of my convictions and experiences. So this blog is purposed to stand as a testimony to myself and to others who read it that He has done this. That through His calling and choosing, He has asked me to travel with Him to the bush of Zambia and fulfil His commands there to 'go into all the world, to make disciples of all men and to love one another'. I'm not exactly sure what this will look like for me, but I'm excited to get started and see where He leads.
That they may see, and know, and consider, and understand that the hand of the Lord hath done this
Isaiah 41:20
Come and hear, all you that fear God, and I will declare what He hath done
Psalm 66:16
Time and again God has told Moses of the mission He expected him to accomplish, but repeatedly Moses presented excuses, in particular, focusing on his own inadequacies. In the end God commanded him to just 'go!' In life the Lord gives us frequent confirmations that He is with us in our future plans, but we excurse ourselves because of our own limitations. Stop looking within and 'go' - know of a surety He is with you and will always support you. (Choice Gleanings, June 7, 2010)
I've been pondering for a wee while now, how to encapsulate and record almost 15 years of history into one post- and I can't! So it will come out in three hopefully not ridicuously long posts. In this first post as the title suggests, I hope to explain what the purpose is of this blog. The second will be the path God has taken me on to bring me here, and the last will be the plans going forward from this point. And if my roommate G is reading this I know she will enjoy my bit of alliteration!
So, what's with the title of this blog- "now therefore go". These are the words of God to Moses when God sent Moses to lead His people out of Egypt. See, Moses and I have alot in common! Well, at least around the middle of his story- I don't think 'the meekest man in all the earth' would be an apt description of me, despite how quiet I appear!
Well, God told Moses "I've got a job for you- you're gonna lead my people out of Egypt, so go down to Egypt and get started" But Moses responded "What me? Who am I???" So God told him "relax- I'll go with you!" But again Moses responded "But how do I know this is really You Jehovah?" So again God patiently reassures His servant "you let the people know I AM WHO I AM has sent you" (wow! thems powerful words! I've always had to stop and ponder those words- I am the Perfectly Complete One, I am the All Sufficient and All Sufficing One, I always have been and always will be, I AM). But again Moses raises another (logical in my mind) concern- "But what if they don't believe me???? What if they mock me and laugh at me and tell me I imagined it all??? And for the third time God patiently reassures His chosen vessel "I'll give you a sign- in fact I'll give you 3!"
Now I don't know about you, but this is starting to sound a bit like an argument. But lets go back and listen again
For the fourth time Moses questions God and says "Oh Lord! I don't know how to speak! I can't think quick enough on my feet and I've never been good at sharing things with people." And for the fourth time God patiently reassures Moses "Listen- I made mouths and tongues and speech, I'll go with you and give you the words to say. Now therefore go!"
Finally Moses, who hasn't been able to get out of the tasks yet exclaims "Not me Lord! Don't send me! Can't you find someone else???" 'And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses and He said "is there not Aaron your brother? Behold, he shall speak for you and shall be your mouth."'
Now therefore go!
I can understand Moses' arguments; there are four of them:
1) Who am I???- I am nothing really...
2) How do I really know this is You? - maybe I'm imagining this, maybe I want this so I'm making it up? Maybe the Powers of the Air are playing with me...
3) What if no one believes me?
4) I am not good at speaking and telling others about what I believe
Moses' arguments are my arguments- I'm not anyone special, I'm just an average sort of person really. I'm not sure sometimes... ok often... when God is really speaking to me. I'm still trying to sort between that inner voice and God's voice. I never expect people to believe me, to take me seriously- I am after all, just an average sort of person, why should people believe that God has spoken to me. And definitely, the last one- I so much prefer my safe little corner, with not too much light, and a lot of shadow because then its safe, I don't have to think about things that are uncomfortable or hard to figure out and I don't have to expose myself. (But as much as I think I love that safe little corner, I know I could never be happy there)
How many many times have I argued within my self and with God- there's no way that I could ever be called, no way that I'd ever have the courage to go, no way that I'd ever have the conviction that I ought to go and definitely no way that I'd ever be getting on the plane to actually go. Yet all the while knowing, that likely this is exactly what would happen.
It has always been important to me to be surrendered to God's plan for me and His will for my life. So the prayer 'I'll go if You say the word 'go' " is a familiar one to me. And now, without a doubt (almost, because I'm a waffle, and am never 100% about anything) God has stepped in and said "I chose you and this is the plan I have for you." And He has also used many stories of those 'who have gone on before' to help guide me and reassure me also. Since June 2010, when I first read that Choice Gleaning Calendar, through Moses' story and many others, I have been convicted that God's call for me, His plan for at least the next little while, is to uproot me and transplant me into the bush in Zambia to serve Him in whatever capacity He sees fit, for as long as He sees fit.
So the purpose of the blog: they say there are times when you question your calling, when you wonder if you really heard God's voice, if you really are where He wants you to be. I know alot about questioning God and myself, and the reality of my convictions and experiences. So this blog is purposed to stand as a testimony to myself and to others who read it that He has done this. That through His calling and choosing, He has asked me to travel with Him to the bush of Zambia and fulfil His commands there to 'go into all the world, to make disciples of all men and to love one another'. I'm not exactly sure what this will look like for me, but I'm excited to get started and see where He leads.
That they may see, and know, and consider, and understand that the hand of the Lord hath done this
Isaiah 41:20
Come and hear, all you that fear God, and I will declare what He hath done
Psalm 66:16
Thursday 3 May 2012
My 1500$ Text Book
wow that's an expensive text book! Actually there's a whole course that goes along with it so I guess its not so bad! ;) This is the third text book and course now- the final one in the Enterostomal Therapist program. This is the one I've been waiting for: Acute and Chronic Wounds. And I'm so excited to take it. Well, mostly! You see there's alot of emotions and thoughts around this course. For one- just the thought of taking another course is stressful; I've basically been in school for 18mos straight now, plus working full time. I think I may have sanity issues ;) And then there was the excitement of being able to do something different for a while besides just focus on school work and studying. Especially with the Missionary Orientation Program coming up: I had hoped to spend some time preparing for that. And my sunday school class- actually being able to focus on preparing a lesson for my kiddies. And most importantly, I had been looking forward to having more time to focus on deepening my relationship with God. I think that's the hardest thing to work into this race track that has become my life.
So I had planned to take the summer off school and rest (while still doing full time hours at work :S) and focus on deepening relationships, with my God and my family and the kids in the sunday school and teen night classes. But I came home from Fredericton Conf. on Monday and well, circumstances and God changed my plans pretty much overnight. So the new plan is to go part time at work (haven't told the manager yet) and to continue on with this course. And now that it's settled I'm pretty ok with it- a little nervous about getting enough shifts at work to support myself, But I know that God will provide- and that's not just words either, I"ve seen Him do it! But it's a little nerve wracking when its one's own life than when one is watching it happen in another's life.
But back to my text book- what's the big deal about getting a text book in the mail, I mean its part of the course right? Well, sorta- the course is one thing. I know God directed me to take that course and He will support me through it. But the text book, well, can I say my heart began to ache when I saw that? I love wound care (I know- that sounds so weird! And maybe in one of these posts I'll explain it) and I love the professional role of the Enterostomal Therapist (never thought I"D say I love a professional role- that's not really me!) but I also know that I will likely never practice here in Canada. I find that thought so hard to comprehend. I love working with the ET nurse for my nursing unit, I love being that consultant on the unit and assessing and recommending for the other nurses, I LOVE the learning and the challenge and all the new treatments and methods of treatment and products that are being researched and innovated and created. But. But! Well, but. God has planned otherwise- and believe me: I am not complaining! But realizing how much I love this profession makes it difficult to make the decision to give it up. This post could have been called- "One Life to Live" and that would be equally true. If I had another life to live, wound care is what I would pick. But I have this one life and that's it and well, I guess my text book will serve its purpose for these three months and then get put on the bookshelf in whatever country that bookshelf may happen to end up! ;) I guess I had a little mourning period when I received it- but that will pass...
hmm... so many thoughts that a simple text book can generate! .....
So I had planned to take the summer off school and rest (while still doing full time hours at work :S) and focus on deepening relationships, with my God and my family and the kids in the sunday school and teen night classes. But I came home from Fredericton Conf. on Monday and well, circumstances and God changed my plans pretty much overnight. So the new plan is to go part time at work (haven't told the manager yet) and to continue on with this course. And now that it's settled I'm pretty ok with it- a little nervous about getting enough shifts at work to support myself, But I know that God will provide- and that's not just words either, I"ve seen Him do it! But it's a little nerve wracking when its one's own life than when one is watching it happen in another's life.
But back to my text book- what's the big deal about getting a text book in the mail, I mean its part of the course right? Well, sorta- the course is one thing. I know God directed me to take that course and He will support me through it. But the text book, well, can I say my heart began to ache when I saw that? I love wound care (I know- that sounds so weird! And maybe in one of these posts I'll explain it) and I love the professional role of the Enterostomal Therapist (never thought I"D say I love a professional role- that's not really me!) but I also know that I will likely never practice here in Canada. I find that thought so hard to comprehend. I love working with the ET nurse for my nursing unit, I love being that consultant on the unit and assessing and recommending for the other nurses, I LOVE the learning and the challenge and all the new treatments and methods of treatment and products that are being researched and innovated and created. But. But! Well, but. God has planned otherwise- and believe me: I am not complaining! But realizing how much I love this profession makes it difficult to make the decision to give it up. This post could have been called- "One Life to Live" and that would be equally true. If I had another life to live, wound care is what I would pick. But I have this one life and that's it and well, I guess my text book will serve its purpose for these three months and then get put on the bookshelf in whatever country that bookshelf may happen to end up! ;) I guess I had a little mourning period when I received it- but that will pass...
hmm... so many thoughts that a simple text book can generate! .....
Wednesday 2 May 2012
The First Post- My New Toy
Hmmm.... the first post on this blog. Actually this is my first time blogging too! I tend to dislike the 'first' of many things, this is one of them. There is just so much dependent on the 'first' experience, the 'first' sight, the 'first' post. It can and often will indicate how the rest of whatever it is will go. I am tired, just worked a 12hr shift, and I am writing only to get this first post out of the way, but I hope that as you read thru my posts I can give you an idea of who I am and where I am going and what is important to me. Right now this is kinda like a new toy- we'll see how often I use it, likely a whole lot at the beginning and tapering off as the weeks go on.
Anyway, its late and I have to be up early tomorrow so i guess this is all for now!
Anyway, its late and I have to be up early tomorrow so i guess this is all for now!
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