A sad number of days I put myself first
But it's not what I do, the cross made that plain
And one day Jesus will call my name
I've been up since 0400hrs
I'm tired. I'm done with this hospital, these patients, these people coming coming coming. Unending questions and ques. All last week was surgery all day everyday until 1800hrs. This week hasn't been much different- just the surgery is different: emergencies instead of planned procedures.
It's a never ending barrage of people- staff, patients, colleagues coming with questions, requests, complaints. And I wish I could say that I handle them graciously.
When my Lord looked upon the multitude 'he had compassion upon them'. Today, and sadly most days, I'm thinking 'why are you all coming here?' 'Can't you go to another hospital?' 'I just want some time to myself.' 'I'm tired of all this and all of you with the same problems all the time.' 'I want one day where everything that was planned goes according to plan- no surprises and especially no hospital emergencies.' 'Is it too much to ask for a nap?!?'
Despite all these complaints, I don't really hate it here- tho it likely sounds like it. In fact, I do love it! Most days. But today self and self pity have grabbed hold of my hands and are holding tight making it nearly impossible to reach out and grasp the hand of grace outstretched beside me. Cursing is coming far too easily today from this tongue that is supposed to have been purged and prepared to only speak words of grace and blessing
I'm tired. I'm done with this hospital, these patients, these people coming coming coming. Unending questions and ques. All last week was surgery all day everyday until 1800hrs. This week hasn't been much different- just the surgery is different: emergencies instead of planned procedures.
It's a never ending barrage of people- staff, patients, colleagues coming with questions, requests, complaints. And I wish I could say that I handle them graciously.
When my Lord looked upon the multitude 'he had compassion upon them'. Today, and sadly most days, I'm thinking 'why are you all coming here?' 'Can't you go to another hospital?' 'I just want some time to myself.' 'I'm tired of all this and all of you with the same problems all the time.' 'I want one day where everything that was planned goes according to plan- no surprises and especially no hospital emergencies.' 'Is it too much to ask for a nap?!?'
Despite all these complaints, I don't really hate it here- tho it likely sounds like it. In fact, I do love it! Most days. But today self and self pity have grabbed hold of my hands and are holding tight making it nearly impossible to reach out and grasp the hand of grace outstretched beside me. Cursing is coming far too easily today from this tongue that is supposed to have been purged and prepared to only speak words of grace and blessing
I lay down finally to have a nap. Just 15 mins, please! I had hoped to go to Bible study today but not thinking I'll get there. Just lain down when my phone rings. Yes, the others have been in theatre and could I stay with the patient so they can go get lunch. Of course!
The patient is dreadfully sick. Another lady has been watched closely for delivery and has delivered well. But another is struggling still and will need some one on one from our midwife. My nap plans are gone. So too, are my plans for bible study. And besides the clinic line is horrendous!
1400...
1500...
1600...
1700... Finally a wee lull. The clinic line is still scary. Our second lady has been brought down to theatre with the tentative plan of a possible section. But I've finished most of the piddly ward stuff. Just a wee blood test but I have to find strips. So I wander off to one of the missionaries' homes who has a similar machine in the hopes of finding strips for our machine.
1800...
1900...
And finally I can go home. But this baby is still not delivered. Mom is struggling. Midwife is certain will need a section. (Doctor a bit skeptical tho). Baby is high up and not dropping. So with the threat of a pending abortion, I and a visitor make our way homeward. Our parting wards: we need to pray that we get this baby in the next half hour.
Thirty five minutes later- we have a baby girl. Wow!
It's not what I do, the cross made that plain.
This has been a day filled with grumbling and complaining. And yet God still chose to answer our prayers. I'm more than a little awed here. This is unmerited Grace. This is the same grace the led the holy, perfect, righteous Son of God to hang a broken and bleeding man on a Roman cross for a broken, bleeding soul that was doomed. This is Amazing Grace. This is Relentless Love. This is Undeserved Mercy.
The older I get, the more I realize how right God is in pointing out my brokenness and my flaws and
yes my sin. And the more I realize I can never reach the standard of goodness and righteousness that
is God. Oh! But day by day I'm learning more and more- 'it's not what I do, the cross made that plain.
It's what he's done. It's his grace and mercy and love that has made the difference in my life.
I'm crawling into bed tonight so thankful that I'm not being called up for a section in twenty minutes. But more than that, I've been reminded yet again, while we 'do not know what a day will bring forth' there is one Who does and he 'gives unto each day what he deems best, lovingly it's part of pain and pleasure mingling sorrow with peace and rest'. His is the hand of outstretched grace. Amazing Grace.
Grace that doesn't overlook, but sees and knows and understands and forgives.
I will lie down in peace and sleep, for you alone oh Lord make me dwell in safety.
He gives to his beloved rest
So blessed
