Playing catch up: three posts in one day ;)
Home
Back in Zambia- at last!
I had a lot of people ask me when I was home "does Zambia feel like home now?" Or "do you feel like you don't really have a home anymore?" And I didn't really have a good answer for them... Or at least I didn't have a very thought through answer. Maybe partially because I didn't really know myself... Didn't know my own self... But driving down the great east road with the crazy, scary traffic it was familiar; the smell of sultry afternoon and sweating crowds and steamy pavement mixed with the hustle of a city bursting at its seams, it was familiar. The red and brown and green landscape as the plane circled overhead, it was an old familiar dream. The coolness of the evening, the crickets, the breeze, the quietness from the busy bustling day life, I've been here before. The Zambian- isms that so easily slip from my tongue and my behaviour "madam, can I change you a ten for that fifty?" It's not even unthinkable to be held up at the grocery cashier because they don't have change for the cash I gave them. "It's Africa" will slip from my tongue with a laugh and a roll of the eye again I'm sure but today it wasn't "Africa" it was home. That place you come to to relax, to let loose, to be yourself.
And yet, I was just home. But in a different way...
It's as normal to me to be held up for change at the cashier as it is to map out a route in transit through the city or walk thru shady park of orange and yellow trees, or stop at Tim's twice in one day. Midland is home, Toronto is home, Zambia is home
I have a home in each place, and variations of who I am are more prominent in each place, and things that I enjoy differ in each place, and people I hold dear may never cross the line from one place to the other. But each is home.
Yes Zambia feels like home and no I don't feel like I don't have a home... But yes Zambia does fit like an oversized glove at times and yes I wish that all the people I love could all be in the same spot- that easily accessible spot where I can visit you all without travelling around the globe
But I almost think it's better this way... See.. This nomadic type lifestyle that I'm living now reminds me: actually this world is not your home. My home is in heaven with my Master and my Saviour. I'm just passing through here for a little while. For a time my home is in Canada and for a time in Zambia, and perhaps somewhere else if my Lord wills it. But at the end of my day, at the end of my story I will go to my real home where my Father lives. And the exciting thing is- those of you who I love, who love the Lord will be there also and there will be no separation there.
I was so excited when I first saw that sign in July- "welcome to Canada" to me it was saying "welcome home!" And I teared up a little. But now that I'm back here in Zambia, laughing about the kids shouting "chindele", discussing the patients in the hospital (haven't been up to Chito yet, just catching up from folks), picking out groceries to last hopefully about 2 mos, waiting while the server at the cashier runs across the street somewhere? to get your burger- this is also home. The smells, the sounds, the sights- home.
But I'm learning not to hold one place too dear, not to hold on too tightly because it hurts, it hurts hard when the Father has to pry something from out my hand. And if I'm holding that tightly to what He is trying to make me let go than I am not able to reach for Him; I'm reaching for that thing. And that becomes sin. Harsh, hard lesson. But He makes us able both 'to will and to do of His good pleasure.'
So, I had an amazing visit home, thrilled to catch up with you! Sorry, it wasn't long enough! And now I'm home, my heart is singing "I'm back in Zambia again", looking forward to greeting my Zambian family and friends again and looking forward to newsy letters from you all
And I hope you'll forgive me this cheesy song here, it's a fun one to sing to, has a catchy tune, but it really sums up my thoughts :
This world is not my home
I'm just a'passing thru
My treasures are laid up
Somewhere beyond the blue
The angels beckon me
From heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home
In this world anymore
Oh Lord You know
I have no friend like You
If heaven's not my home
Then Lord what would I do
The angels beckon me
From heavens open door
And I can't feel at home
In this world anymore
Wednesday 24 September 2014
Thoughts from Ireland
Here I am again, snuggled down in the same bed as just over a year ago, "Father, thank you" my heart whispers. I know this place, I love this place, I met God in this place.
The last time I was here, I read in Peter, though you suffer a little while God himself shall come to strengthen restore establish and confirm you.
Though you suffer a little while... Have I suffered? No, not really, definitely not the way these Christians were, definitely not the way hundreds are suffering now in the Middle East. But I have struggled. This past year was not easy. This past year I let go of so many things. I didn't want to. I don't want to. Even now, part of me still wants to run back to my comfortable safe haven. The place where I know and am known. But my heart has decided- what is more important? Sorry... What is most important?
and the echoing cry of my heart comes back
That I may know Him
And be found in Him
Not having my own righteousness
But the righteousness that comes of God thru faith.
That I may know Him
That's it. For me, that's the final stop, the apex, the most important thing- knowing him.
Paul then writes, "forgetting what is behind, I press on."
Forgetting?! Forgetting what is behind...
What is behind?
Usually I think of the sin of my heart before I knew Christ. Or if I mess up, after I seek forgiveness I have to let go of the shame and press on. And that's true. But let's keep it in context here- Paul had just mentioned all the things he had to be proud of, all the things that made him who he was, all the things his identity was wrapped up in
Circumcised according to the law
Of the right people
Of a good tribe
A Hebrew more religious than other Hebrews
As to following the law closely: a Pharisee
As for showing my dedication to the law: I persecuted the church who I thought was against God
As for righteousness: faultless
Then he says, I count all these things as dung that I may win Christ. Strong words.
All the things that have given him his identity. This is my struggle. I don't want to lose the identity I had made for myself.
I press on...
I was challenged by these thoughts of what Paul was 'forgetting' and when I was asked to teach in my old Sunday school class the last sunday I was in Toronto I thought I wld share these thots with them. As I was preparing my lesson another verse came to mind.
Remember not the former things
Nor consider the things of old
Sounds good so far... I'm well acquainted w those two lines for some reason
Pay attention! I am doing a new thing
Oh! And it was like pieces of a puzzle just clicked together... A new thing...
A new thing means that 4 Agincourt drive, or Agincourt Gospel Hall or 14es will never b a possibility again. But a new thing is happening. And it's a good thing. It's a God thing. It's the three fold cord standing alone with God, it's new paths and new lessons and new opportunities to grow. It's opportunities to put into practice lessons learned, to try new things, to learn about myself and My Lord in a different context.
It's not forgetting the important things- the friends who have transformed me, the vitally important lessons and experiences with my Father, the ways I have grown to become more myself. But it's about letting go of what I thought was important, the things I thought gave me identity and allowing God to fill that place with the things He has said are important, allowing Christ to fill the place with Himself.
So, snuggled down in this delightfully comfortable bed excited to enter the blissful world of sleep, I just wanted to give you a wee update. Or maybe I just wanted to confirm to my old self that yes it's been a year of struggles and yes more lie ahead, but yes your Father, your Master, your dearest Friend has Himself come to strengthen, restore, confirm and establish you. And if He's good on this promise in a little suffering, won't He be even better on the promise in real suffering.
So, like paul, I say: forgetting what is behind I press on
On to the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus
Remember not the former things
Nor consider the things of old
PAY ATTENTION- I am doing a new thing!
The last time I was here, I read in Peter, though you suffer a little while God himself shall come to strengthen restore establish and confirm you.
Though you suffer a little while... Have I suffered? No, not really, definitely not the way these Christians were, definitely not the way hundreds are suffering now in the Middle East. But I have struggled. This past year was not easy. This past year I let go of so many things. I didn't want to. I don't want to. Even now, part of me still wants to run back to my comfortable safe haven. The place where I know and am known. But my heart has decided- what is more important? Sorry... What is most important?
and the echoing cry of my heart comes back
That I may know Him
And be found in Him
Not having my own righteousness
But the righteousness that comes of God thru faith.
That I may know Him
That's it. For me, that's the final stop, the apex, the most important thing- knowing him.
Paul then writes, "forgetting what is behind, I press on."
Forgetting?! Forgetting what is behind...
What is behind?
Usually I think of the sin of my heart before I knew Christ. Or if I mess up, after I seek forgiveness I have to let go of the shame and press on. And that's true. But let's keep it in context here- Paul had just mentioned all the things he had to be proud of, all the things that made him who he was, all the things his identity was wrapped up in
Circumcised according to the law
Of the right people
Of a good tribe
A Hebrew more religious than other Hebrews
As to following the law closely: a Pharisee
As for showing my dedication to the law: I persecuted the church who I thought was against God
As for righteousness: faultless
Then he says, I count all these things as dung that I may win Christ. Strong words.
All the things that have given him his identity. This is my struggle. I don't want to lose the identity I had made for myself.
I press on...
I was challenged by these thoughts of what Paul was 'forgetting' and when I was asked to teach in my old Sunday school class the last sunday I was in Toronto I thought I wld share these thots with them. As I was preparing my lesson another verse came to mind.
Remember not the former things
Nor consider the things of old
Sounds good so far... I'm well acquainted w those two lines for some reason
Pay attention! I am doing a new thing
Oh! And it was like pieces of a puzzle just clicked together... A new thing...
A new thing means that 4 Agincourt drive, or Agincourt Gospel Hall or 14es will never b a possibility again. But a new thing is happening. And it's a good thing. It's a God thing. It's the three fold cord standing alone with God, it's new paths and new lessons and new opportunities to grow. It's opportunities to put into practice lessons learned, to try new things, to learn about myself and My Lord in a different context.
It's not forgetting the important things- the friends who have transformed me, the vitally important lessons and experiences with my Father, the ways I have grown to become more myself. But it's about letting go of what I thought was important, the things I thought gave me identity and allowing God to fill that place with the things He has said are important, allowing Christ to fill the place with Himself.
So, snuggled down in this delightfully comfortable bed excited to enter the blissful world of sleep, I just wanted to give you a wee update. Or maybe I just wanted to confirm to my old self that yes it's been a year of struggles and yes more lie ahead, but yes your Father, your Master, your dearest Friend has Himself come to strengthen, restore, confirm and establish you. And if He's good on this promise in a little suffering, won't He be even better on the promise in real suffering.
So, like paul, I say: forgetting what is behind I press on
On to the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus
Remember not the former things
Nor consider the things of old
PAY ATTENTION- I am doing a new thing!
Resignation
Part of me is screaming "go back go back go back" and I want to run crying back to that safe world I had made for myself. But there's another part of me that won't let go that keeps saying "go on! Go on until you know for certain that this isn't Gods will for you!"
And I'm sorry- maybe you think I shld have it all together, maybe it comes as a surprise to you that I don't, that I question " have I really made the right decision" the 'God decision'? Sometimes almost constantly. Sometimes it's hard to look up because of the doubts that keep pulling me down
Down into the darkness
Down away from my God
Down into this scary place that I thought I had overcome - where doubts threaten to overwhelm the peace that I thought I would never find, to overwhelm and flood until all I see is dark, and roaring water all around, and no light, not even His light
Signing the resignation papers
The look of disappointment from some of the most amazing colleagues turned friends when it was made clear I wasn't coming back
Dinner with the wound ostomy nurse who has been a friend in a way it can't describe, whose belief in me has transformed me
My friends who started the job the same time I did, who grew with me into the nurses and the ppl we are today
The questions about my life and comparisons of Zambia to Toronto
How can I do this??? How can I leave these aspects of my identity behind? How can I leave these people behind? I pray for them- please know- I pray for you that, if you don't already know, you would know God's love, and his mercy, His forgiveness. To know Him is to know life eternal. That your life would be His in the way no one can understand who doesn't know Him. And selfishly- to know Him means one day there will be no separation between us
I must go on tho, until I'm certain I have made the right decision or the wrong one. Until I am certain I am where God is. Where God is is different for each one of us and changes with time. One foot ahead of the other. Step by step. Because really, the thing I am most afraid of is the thing I long for most: being safe. I want to live in a world of my own making that is secure and safe and comfortable- it's great! I lived there for about three years- supportive friends, amazing colleagues, comfortable cushion of money in the bank, ppl that believed in me and my vision, my spiritual ministries with Sunday school and teen night. It was amazing and I can't think that I will ever come to such a place again. God was there in that life, for sure! I learned so much there, so much about dwelling in Him, so much about depending on Him, so much about myself and so much about the ppl I now call friends.
But I want, I need to be challenged in those very ways that I want to b safe in. Aside of honouring my God, my best friend, the things I want most in life are to b surrounded by the ppl who love me who I love and to have enough of the world's goods to keep me and my family comfortable. It would be so easy and safe to stay in my job as registered nurse on 14 eaton south at Toronto general hospital, glide into the roll as wound ostomy nurse either there or at another Toronto hospital and live the Christian life; make a difference to the ppl around me, to continue learning about God and his great amazing love to me, to us. But there is so much more! Life isn't about staying in the shallow end. It's about learning to hold His hand when the water is up over my head
It's better to b a doorkeeper in the house of the Lord for one day, than to live in the tents of wickedness for a thousand years- and that is so true! But sometimes I think we r too content to be door keepers when our Lord is saying to us "come further up and further in" we have a big God- are we willing to live big for him? Am I willing? It means stepping out into the dark, it means letting go of the masquerade of 'having it all together' it means being willing to live with doubts and fears but being willing to let God turn them into peace and prayers. But most of all, it means setting out again and again on this wild adventure to know God and be found in Him.
And I'm sorry- maybe you think I shld have it all together, maybe it comes as a surprise to you that I don't, that I question " have I really made the right decision" the 'God decision'? Sometimes almost constantly. Sometimes it's hard to look up because of the doubts that keep pulling me down
Down into the darkness
Down away from my God
Down into this scary place that I thought I had overcome - where doubts threaten to overwhelm the peace that I thought I would never find, to overwhelm and flood until all I see is dark, and roaring water all around, and no light, not even His light
Signing the resignation papers
The look of disappointment from some of the most amazing colleagues turned friends when it was made clear I wasn't coming back
Dinner with the wound ostomy nurse who has been a friend in a way it can't describe, whose belief in me has transformed me
My friends who started the job the same time I did, who grew with me into the nurses and the ppl we are today
The questions about my life and comparisons of Zambia to Toronto
How can I do this??? How can I leave these aspects of my identity behind? How can I leave these people behind? I pray for them- please know- I pray for you that, if you don't already know, you would know God's love, and his mercy, His forgiveness. To know Him is to know life eternal. That your life would be His in the way no one can understand who doesn't know Him. And selfishly- to know Him means one day there will be no separation between us
I must go on tho, until I'm certain I have made the right decision or the wrong one. Until I am certain I am where God is. Where God is is different for each one of us and changes with time. One foot ahead of the other. Step by step. Because really, the thing I am most afraid of is the thing I long for most: being safe. I want to live in a world of my own making that is secure and safe and comfortable- it's great! I lived there for about three years- supportive friends, amazing colleagues, comfortable cushion of money in the bank, ppl that believed in me and my vision, my spiritual ministries with Sunday school and teen night. It was amazing and I can't think that I will ever come to such a place again. God was there in that life, for sure! I learned so much there, so much about dwelling in Him, so much about depending on Him, so much about myself and so much about the ppl I now call friends.
But I want, I need to be challenged in those very ways that I want to b safe in. Aside of honouring my God, my best friend, the things I want most in life are to b surrounded by the ppl who love me who I love and to have enough of the world's goods to keep me and my family comfortable. It would be so easy and safe to stay in my job as registered nurse on 14 eaton south at Toronto general hospital, glide into the roll as wound ostomy nurse either there or at another Toronto hospital and live the Christian life; make a difference to the ppl around me, to continue learning about God and his great amazing love to me, to us. But there is so much more! Life isn't about staying in the shallow end. It's about learning to hold His hand when the water is up over my head
It's better to b a doorkeeper in the house of the Lord for one day, than to live in the tents of wickedness for a thousand years- and that is so true! But sometimes I think we r too content to be door keepers when our Lord is saying to us "come further up and further in" we have a big God- are we willing to live big for him? Am I willing? It means stepping out into the dark, it means letting go of the masquerade of 'having it all together' it means being willing to live with doubts and fears but being willing to let God turn them into peace and prayers. But most of all, it means setting out again and again on this wild adventure to know God and be found in Him.
Monday 22 September 2014
Long overdue update :)
Wow! And hasn't it been a long time since I've written here. So sorry folks! It's been a busy few months! I'm sitting now in the Dublin airport waiting for my plane up to Heathrow so I have some time to update this here.
June saw JR and Emma leave us for a tropical medicine conference in England, leaving Alison and I alone in hospital. Which wouldn't have been too bad... Well aside from the idea of leaving me in charge.... Except that somehow I missed the memo about two visiting surgeons coming... YIKES! Hello twelve hour days and weekend emergencies and good bye sleep. But you know, thru that all- God is good. We saw cases come in that if our visiting general surgeon and our visit gastrointestinal surgeon hadn't been there we either would have spent hours trying to figure out what was wrong or else would have lost the patient. Talk about timing!
Our paediatric consultant from England also came to visit us for 8 weeks- a bit like Mary Poppins she blew in to save the day for one of wee kiddos -
This little boy came to us from Dipalata mission as failure to improve on the feeding program. He was with us for about 2 weeks before any of us really realized how sick he was. Of course it didn't help that our usual feeding program lady was off sick and mom kept our little friend tied tight on her back so he didn't have a good assessment done on a regular basis. Tanis thankfully had joined us again in ward rounds and she took baby for an assessment and decided we were bringing him home for some intensive one on one care. He refused to eat anything except a bit of hot rod (yes, compliments of me, but at least he was eating right??) so ended up with a nasogastric tube insertion- thanks Alison :) and milk feeds every two hours. I had him that night- wow! Intense! Credit to moms who do this without thanks and without anyone thinking "so cool that you get to bring a kid home from the hospital and wake up every two hours to fix a bottle and feed him and change his diarrhea filled diaper. Oh and oops, he just had another one all over the sheet :( "
But from that day we all were a little more aware of him, the nurses, the missionary staff, even the blue ladies who help with patient care took him on, carrying him on their back during their shift to ensure he was brought to the busy ward nurse every two hours to get his feed. Our paediatric consultant from England - Dr. Ros, flew in just a few days before I left and took over the paeds ward and our little friend's care. And what a difference! This is our wee boy just before I left and then just before his discharge.
We also managed to do some pretty cool surgeries thanks to Dr. Paul from the States and Dr. Andre from Canada. We have a patient who developed esophageal varices (bleeding from the esophagus). This very often can lead to death as a patient will start to bleed into their stomach, then start to vomit blood and then exsanginate- pass enough blood so there isn't enough left in the body for normal functions. Dr. Paul did a very delicate surgery where he placed a shunt between the hepatic artery and the inferior vena cava to shunt blood from the liver to the IVC in order to decrease the pressure build up in the liver which causes the varices. Praise God! The surgery was successful and our patient was given a new lease on life.
I left Chitokoloki the 22nd of July for the Congo where I visited Genna for a week and took in another African country. Very different from Zambia: in Zambia the people are open and friendly and welcoming; in Congo they were reserved and cautious. Genna took me to the hospital where she works and I had a bit of a tour and saw some of the women's health projects Genna was working on.
I arrived home on the 31st of July. I was 2 wks with my family at home; two weeks with my friend Carolyn as we prepared for her wedding. Celebrated the big day on the 29th- still finding it hard to believe she is married! While visiting Toronto, I also stopped by the hospital to resign from my job. A tough decision. Very happy to have the chance to catch up with friends tho :) Then two weeks with the family again as I prepared to travel again, first to Dublin to visit family there and now finally back to Zambia.
Stopped in Northern Ireland to visit Alison just home from Zambia. Very exciting to hear the news and catch up. Will miss her greatly as she works at home, but looking forward to her next visit :)
Now to wait... Still an hour or so before I can board the plane. Sigh... But glad for the opportunity to finally be able to update this :)
Can't wait to get back
Have some pics but they'll have to wait til I get back :)
June saw JR and Emma leave us for a tropical medicine conference in England, leaving Alison and I alone in hospital. Which wouldn't have been too bad... Well aside from the idea of leaving me in charge.... Except that somehow I missed the memo about two visiting surgeons coming... YIKES! Hello twelve hour days and weekend emergencies and good bye sleep. But you know, thru that all- God is good. We saw cases come in that if our visiting general surgeon and our visit gastrointestinal surgeon hadn't been there we either would have spent hours trying to figure out what was wrong or else would have lost the patient. Talk about timing!
Our paediatric consultant from England also came to visit us for 8 weeks- a bit like Mary Poppins she blew in to save the day for one of wee kiddos -
This little boy came to us from Dipalata mission as failure to improve on the feeding program. He was with us for about 2 weeks before any of us really realized how sick he was. Of course it didn't help that our usual feeding program lady was off sick and mom kept our little friend tied tight on her back so he didn't have a good assessment done on a regular basis. Tanis thankfully had joined us again in ward rounds and she took baby for an assessment and decided we were bringing him home for some intensive one on one care. He refused to eat anything except a bit of hot rod (yes, compliments of me, but at least he was eating right??) so ended up with a nasogastric tube insertion- thanks Alison :) and milk feeds every two hours. I had him that night- wow! Intense! Credit to moms who do this without thanks and without anyone thinking "so cool that you get to bring a kid home from the hospital and wake up every two hours to fix a bottle and feed him and change his diarrhea filled diaper. Oh and oops, he just had another one all over the sheet :( "
But from that day we all were a little more aware of him, the nurses, the missionary staff, even the blue ladies who help with patient care took him on, carrying him on their back during their shift to ensure he was brought to the busy ward nurse every two hours to get his feed. Our paediatric consultant from England - Dr. Ros, flew in just a few days before I left and took over the paeds ward and our little friend's care. And what a difference! This is our wee boy just before I left and then just before his discharge.
We also managed to do some pretty cool surgeries thanks to Dr. Paul from the States and Dr. Andre from Canada. We have a patient who developed esophageal varices (bleeding from the esophagus). This very often can lead to death as a patient will start to bleed into their stomach, then start to vomit blood and then exsanginate- pass enough blood so there isn't enough left in the body for normal functions. Dr. Paul did a very delicate surgery where he placed a shunt between the hepatic artery and the inferior vena cava to shunt blood from the liver to the IVC in order to decrease the pressure build up in the liver which causes the varices. Praise God! The surgery was successful and our patient was given a new lease on life.
I left Chitokoloki the 22nd of July for the Congo where I visited Genna for a week and took in another African country. Very different from Zambia: in Zambia the people are open and friendly and welcoming; in Congo they were reserved and cautious. Genna took me to the hospital where she works and I had a bit of a tour and saw some of the women's health projects Genna was working on.
I arrived home on the 31st of July. I was 2 wks with my family at home; two weeks with my friend Carolyn as we prepared for her wedding. Celebrated the big day on the 29th- still finding it hard to believe she is married! While visiting Toronto, I also stopped by the hospital to resign from my job. A tough decision. Very happy to have the chance to catch up with friends tho :) Then two weeks with the family again as I prepared to travel again, first to Dublin to visit family there and now finally back to Zambia.
Stopped in Northern Ireland to visit Alison just home from Zambia. Very exciting to hear the news and catch up. Will miss her greatly as she works at home, but looking forward to her next visit :)
Now to wait... Still an hour or so before I can board the plane. Sigh... But glad for the opportunity to finally be able to update this :)
Can't wait to get back
Have some pics but they'll have to wait til I get back :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)