Resignation

Part of me is screaming "go back go back go back" and I want to run crying back to that safe world I had made for myself. But there's another part of me that won't let go that keeps saying "go on! Go on until you know for certain that this isn't Gods will for you!"

And I'm sorry- maybe you think I shld have it all together, maybe it comes as a surprise to you that I don't, that I question " have I really made the right decision" the 'God decision'? Sometimes almost constantly. Sometimes it's hard to look up because of the doubts that keep pulling me down

Down into the darkness
Down away from my God
Down into this scary place that I thought I had overcome - where doubts threaten to overwhelm the peace that I thought I would never find, to overwhelm and flood until all I see is dark, and roaring water all around, and no light, not even His light

Signing the resignation papers
The look of disappointment from some of the most amazing colleagues turned friends when it was made clear I wasn't coming back
Dinner with the wound ostomy nurse who has been a friend in a way it can't describe, whose belief in me has transformed me
My friends who started the job the same time I did, who grew with me into the nurses and the ppl we are today
The questions about my life and comparisons of Zambia to Toronto
How can I do this??? How can I leave these aspects of my identity behind? How can I leave these people behind? I pray for them- please know- I pray for you that, if you don't already know, you would know God's love, and his mercy, His forgiveness. To know Him is to know life eternal. That your life would be His in the way no one can understand who doesn't know Him. And selfishly- to know Him means one day there will be no separation between us

I must go on tho, until I'm certain I have made the right decision or the wrong one. Until I am certain I am where God is. Where God is is different for each one of us and changes with time. One foot ahead of the other. Step by step. Because really, the thing I am most afraid of is the thing I long for most: being safe. I want to live in a world of my own making that is secure and safe and comfortable- it's great! I lived there for about three years- supportive friends, amazing colleagues, comfortable cushion of money in the bank, ppl that believed in me and my vision, my spiritual ministries with Sunday school and teen night. It was amazing and I can't think that I will ever come to such a place again. God was there in that life, for sure! I learned so much there, so much about dwelling in Him, so much about depending on Him, so much about myself and so much about the ppl I now call friends.

But I want, I need to be challenged in those very ways that I want to b safe in. Aside of honouring my God, my best friend, the things I want most in life are to b surrounded by the ppl who love me who I love and to have enough of the world's goods to keep me and my family comfortable. It would be so easy and safe to stay in my job as registered nurse on 14 eaton south at Toronto general hospital, glide into the roll as wound ostomy nurse either there or at another Toronto hospital and live the Christian life; make a difference to the ppl around me, to continue learning about God and his great amazing love to me, to us. But there is so much more! Life isn't about staying in the shallow end. It's about learning to hold His hand when the water is up over my head


It's better to b a doorkeeper in the house of the Lord for one day, than to live in the tents of wickedness for a thousand years- and that is so true! But sometimes I think we r too content to be door keepers when our Lord is saying to us "come further up and further in" we have a big God- are we willing to live big for him? Am I willing? It means stepping out into the dark, it means letting go of the masquerade of 'having it all together' it means being willing to live with doubts and fears but being willing to let God turn them into peace and prayers.  But most of all, it means setting out again and again on this wild adventure to know God and be found in Him.