You are the Home I could never deserve
In the Lord I take refuge. He is my Steadfast Love and my Fortress, my Stronghold and my Deliverer, my Shield and He in whom I take refuge.
I wrote that last post the night before I left but decided not to post it, it seemed too scarily honest :S. But then came across it yesterday while looking for a list of Lunda words. After some debating (and encouragement, thanks G) I decided that maybe now was the time to post it. Now when things look much different than they did two months ago. Much different from what I expected and much different from what I feared.
I have never managed a good relationship with Change. And this experience has been no different. So many thoughts have raced through my head as I planned and travelled and eventually arrived here in Chitokoloki Zambia, my new home. At the time, even up until recently maybe, I seriously doubted whether I would ever be able to call this place home.
not having my roommates at a text away (sometimes even from in the house)
not having the conversations with those colleagues that always ended with "He gives more grace"
not having my Sunday school kiddos that were really just some of my youngest friends
or the practiced reality "He is able to accomplish what concerns me today"
or having my nephew close by to squeeeeeze
But I've been learning something that is so cool! (And I am still just learning it, I have not even come close to mastering it or even really being good at it) But as I have let go of the things that worried me to reach for the things my Father is handing me, those things that I have been longing for became added blessings. And home is just one of these blessings.
This place in many ways has now become my home. Its not been easy, its not even necessarily a trade I would have wanted to make for any other reason, but it has happened, even despite all my doubts and fears. But I think it is so cool that as I have learned the importance of and begun to practice making my home in God, I have found that this place has become more and more my home.
What are the things my Father has been handing me?
There have been 4 specific moments during these last two months that I can specifically recall and say: "I let go". It wasn't the easiest thing, there is something that seems unfair about letting go what one has been grasping for. I have had to remind myself on many occasions: and never murmur or repine (complain or mourn) But in the end, what a cool thing to see that as dependence on my Father increases my ability to feel at home also increases. Not in the way I expected to see but in a way that I know comes only from making one's home in Him
He is the home I could never deserve. He is the home I am looking for. He is home. And where I find Him I find Home. He is the foundation, my foundation that can never be moved.
When you hide in the secret place where the Most High is
You will live under the shadow of the Almighty
It wasn't an easy trade, and sometimes I wonder if it is worth it (I think, at only 2 1/2 mos in this is still ok). But I know, I know, this is the road home. Not so much to an earthly place, but to the home my Father has prepared for me in Him, a place where He is all and in all to me, a place where I can say with honesty (because I couldn't say this honestly right now) : All that thrills my soul is Jesus.
Psalm 27:4-5 One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCV7sQ06b-4
I wrote that last post the night before I left but decided not to post it, it seemed too scarily honest :S. But then came across it yesterday while looking for a list of Lunda words. After some debating (and encouragement, thanks G) I decided that maybe now was the time to post it. Now when things look much different than they did two months ago. Much different from what I expected and much different from what I feared.
I have never managed a good relationship with Change. And this experience has been no different. So many thoughts have raced through my head as I planned and travelled and eventually arrived here in Chitokoloki Zambia, my new home. At the time, even up until recently maybe, I seriously doubted whether I would ever be able to call this place home.
not having my roommates at a text away (sometimes even from in the house)
not having the conversations with those colleagues that always ended with "He gives more grace"
not having my Sunday school kiddos that were really just some of my youngest friends
or the practiced reality "He is able to accomplish what concerns me today"
or having my nephew close by to squeeeeeze
When the winds come hard against us
You are steadfast, You are true
When the ground beneath us trembles
Your foundation never moves
But I've been learning something that is so cool! (And I am still just learning it, I have not even come close to mastering it or even really being good at it) But as I have let go of the things that worried me to reach for the things my Father is handing me, those things that I have been longing for became added blessings. And home is just one of these blessings.
This place in many ways has now become my home. Its not been easy, its not even necessarily a trade I would have wanted to make for any other reason, but it has happened, even despite all my doubts and fears. But I think it is so cool that as I have learned the importance of and begun to practice making my home in God, I have found that this place has become more and more my home.
What are the things my Father has been handing me?
Himself
In learning dependence on Him I am learning to trust Him
to trust that each event of the day whatever it is has come from Him
to trust that each event of the day whatever it is has come from Him
Each patient interaction has been given by Him
Whether things go the way I planned or not, He has allowed it
The constant awareness that He truly is with me every moment of my day
There have been 4 specific moments during these last two months that I can specifically recall and say: "I let go". It wasn't the easiest thing, there is something that seems unfair about letting go what one has been grasping for. I have had to remind myself on many occasions: and never murmur or repine (complain or mourn) But in the end, what a cool thing to see that as dependence on my Father increases my ability to feel at home also increases. Not in the way I expected to see but in a way that I know comes only from making one's home in Him
He is the home I could never deserve. He is the home I am looking for. He is home. And where I find Him I find Home. He is the foundation, my foundation that can never be moved.
When you hide in the secret place where the Most High is
You will live under the shadow of the Almighty
It wasn't an easy trade, and sometimes I wonder if it is worth it (I think, at only 2 1/2 mos in this is still ok). But I know, I know, this is the road home. Not so much to an earthly place, but to the home my Father has prepared for me in Him, a place where He is all and in all to me, a place where I can say with honesty (because I couldn't say this honestly right now) : All that thrills my soul is Jesus.
You are my Shelter, my Shield
You are the home I could never deserve
Here I will stay ever under Your gaze
Here I will serve ever singing Your praise
Psalm 27:4-5 One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCV7sQ06b-4
Dear Christina,
ReplyDeleteI was so happy when I read your Home part 1 and part 2. You are definitely growing spiritually and are relying on the Lord, probably more than you ever have. You are exactly where He wants you... dependent on Him.
Take care my sister and continue the beautiful work that you are doing. Love you. Doris xox
Dear Christina
ReplyDeleteSometimes your posts make me cry as they show your love for the Lord so clearly.
With great appreciation,
Aunt Dorothy