I have a bad case of the 'what if' worms running around in my head tonight :) only this time they're not just worms, they're Roald Dahl type slugs slinging taunts and jeers "what if you fail?" "what if this..." "what if that..." What if?
I can't help but ask myself again 'why am I doing this?'. I liked my life, I liked the happy busy - ness of running between work and teen night and Sunday school. I liked my colleagues, most of whom became friends, some so dear to my heart that it almost hurts to think of not going in and laughing and griping and praising God together through the craziness of the unit. I liked the patients, the people and their needs and being able to help them. I liked the challenge of teaching pertinent and challenging lessons to Sunday school kids too bright for their own good. I liked trying to answer the questions of the teens searching out what this life means and who God is and who they are. I liked being surrounding by the people who mean the most to me (and who doesn't!) I liked knowing what God expected from me during my day, it was straightforward, it was familiar, it was practiced. To you these might sound like grumblings, but they're not. These are the things I counted when I counted the cost and determined that knowing Christ far outweighed having these things that are so dear to my heart.
But, still I wonder and I worry without this safe and familiar and comfortable world that I have enjoyed these past 5 years what if I can't survive?
I can't help but ask myself again 'why am I doing this?'. I liked my life, I liked the happy busy - ness of running between work and teen night and Sunday school. I liked my colleagues, most of whom became friends, some so dear to my heart that it almost hurts to think of not going in and laughing and griping and praising God together through the craziness of the unit. I liked the patients, the people and their needs and being able to help them. I liked the challenge of teaching pertinent and challenging lessons to Sunday school kids too bright for their own good. I liked trying to answer the questions of the teens searching out what this life means and who God is and who they are. I liked being surrounding by the people who mean the most to me (and who doesn't!) I liked knowing what God expected from me during my day, it was straightforward, it was familiar, it was practiced. To you these might sound like grumblings, but they're not. These are the things I counted when I counted the cost and determined that knowing Christ far outweighed having these things that are so dear to my heart.
But, still I wonder and I worry without this safe and familiar and comfortable world that I have enjoyed these past 5 years what if I can't survive?
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
the Voice of Truth says do not be afraid
and the Voice of Truth says this is for my glory
out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth.
Over the last few months I've had a lot of people comment on how brave I must be to go out and do this, so many say I always wanted to but I couldn't imagine leaving .... (insert something here). But here's the thing: I'm not really brave at all! I'm a chicken heart and I want to be surrounded by those people and the thought of them not being there and the thought of having to start all over and the thought that I may never enjoy such close community and happy craziness again terrifies me. Can you see my monster slugs yet? When I left work that night for the last time two months ago can I explain the emptiness that swallowed me up. The unit has been the most solid part of my life, definitely taking up the biggest part of it. Something I have prayed over and for since starting there and a place that has become a home. I was glad for the comforting words of that hymn: Lord I would clasp my hand in Thine
Be strong and of a good courage and do not be afraid... I want to laugh at those words there is no way those word could ever describe me, until I read the next... For The Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
The Lord your God is with you wherever you go
The Lord your God is with you wherever you go
This is why I can do this, this is why I will get on that plane tomorrow that will take me out of Dublin. Away from the last of the family this far east and head toward a land of people I barely know and a life so different from the safe and comfortable craziness I have loved here in TO. Because its in these hard and uncomfortable places that I see who God is. I am like those Greeks who came to the temple asking 'sirs, we would see Jesus.' I want to see Him! I want to know Him! I want to be found in Him! I am going because The Lord my God is with me even there. And because somehow something of this is for His glory. And because for me that makes it all worthwhile.
Lord I would clasp my hand in Thine
And never murmur or repine
Content whatever lot I see
Since 'tis Thy hand that leadeth me
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